A Small Step

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A small step
in the midst of great difficulties
can be a miracle

The heroic efforts of a bumble bee
more impressive
than a charging rhino kicking up dust
all show

It’s not perfection
but struggle that matters
not impressive credentials
but the straining of the heart
towards something truly beautiful

living a life of love
full of little sacrifices
getting up again and again

Keep trying
keep smiling
remember the ideal
that sets fire to your heart

Never let discouragement
drown the flames altogether

Blow on that ember of hope
Remember who you are

Forget trying to please others
modifying yourself to be more palatable to them

You can never please anyone
by pretending

It’s better to go down in flames
like a shooting star
completely crazy
but lighting up the world
with your own form of madness

You will inspire
or you will be despised
but at least you will be you

There are worse things
than being rejected

First Summer Raspberries

Tonight the baby went to bed early enough that I could catch some evening sun and try the first raspberries of the summer from the garden. There is something about eating fresh berries that turns me into a little kid again, so I just stand there grinning and filling my mouth with goodness.

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My husband can tell you that any walk in the forest with me during berry season is ridiculously slow, because I’m so delighted with each huckleberry, thimbleberry or salmonberry bush. I have to pluck all the tiny red gems and pop them in my mouth. It reminds me of making huckleberry pie on graham cracker crust with my brothers growing up.

I still recall vividly a scene from an old movie— The Return To Oz—where Dorothy discovers she is back in Oz when she finds a ‘lunchbox tree.’ The tree has what looks like giant strawberries growing on it, but they are actually lunchboxes that open to reveal a sandwich, cookies and juice. I remember thinking, “What in the world could be better?”

Eating food off the bush symbolizes nature’s bounty in a special way for me, because it recalls the Edenic reality of goodness and beauty being all around us, ripe for the picking. It helps me remember that in this big universe, I’m a just little child who will be provided for, whose Father God is very good.

Many good things are waiting for all of us. Do we have the childlike vision of wonder to see them, and the simplicity to accept them with gratitude?

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“You’re pretty, Mama!” A Toddler’s Take on Beauty

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“You’re pretty Mama!” My toddler said enthusiastically the other day as I stood in the kitchen in my pj’s.
“And I’m shiny!” she added beaming.
“Yes, you are.”

It’s true that she is. She shines, despite often scraggly hair and peanut butter in her face from lunch, because there is beauty within, and it can’t help but emanate from her.

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It is said that the light of the eye enlightens whole body….children see beauty because they are filled with it, and they are filled with it because they can see and appreciate it.

We adults often fall into the trap of thinking that maturity means seeing primarily the darkness in the world, but often this cynicism is merely a defence mechanism. Instead of being vulnerable and enthusiastic, we remain critical and detached. We retreat into ourselves instead of connecting with the world.

The great British writer G.K. Chesterton wrote that there were two falls of man: in the first, man lost innocence by recognizing good and evil, and in the second, more recent fall, he fell again by losing sight of goodness and only seeing the evil.

The truth is that the world contains both. That reality is made up of light and darkness. That the tiniest candle burns away the darkness with an assurance of hope.

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We all need to kindle this little fire inside ourselves…”Carry your candle, into the darkness, carry your candle, light up the world,” sings Chris Rice.

My little one’s candle burns brightly and joyfully. She isn’t afraid to wear all sorts of finery because she is confident of her beauty. A star isn’t afraid to sparkle, and I don’t mean an egotistical movie star, but one in the sky, which can’t help but shine.

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Like a star she shares her light, and it falls upon those she sees. Recently we were playing in the grass outside the community centre where her big sisters have an art class, and we could see a class of older women dancing through the open door.

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“Look at the princesses, Mama! There’s Ariel!”

Given that they were mostly older short-haired Asian women of various shapes and sizes, this was a bit of a stretch, but a lovely one. That were dancing, and that was enough to make them royally beautiful in her eyes.

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She isn’t afraid to be herself, and because she accepts herself as she is, she accepts others as they are as well. Isn’t this the meaning of unconditional love?

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If more of us lived this kind of love, the world would be a more beautiful place…or rather, our hearts would be open to see all the hidden beauty that is already there.

So go out and sparkle: chances are others will shine in the glow of your reflection, too.

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The Power of Risk

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Today I flipped open “The Artist’s Way” and was struck by these words:

“So do it. If you win, you win. And if you lose, you win.”
It’s always that way with taking risks.
To put it differently, very often a risk is worth taking simply for the sake of taking it. There is something enlivening about expanding our self-definition, and a risk does exactly that. Selecting a challenge and meeting it creates a sense of self-empowerment that becomes the ground for further successful challenges.

These words were really timely for me. I think it’s true that challenges make us more alive, and that constantly avoiding them can become a kind of illness, a debilitating fearfulness that hides us from life, like turtle in its shell.

When we get convinced that things are “just too hard” we start to shrivel up inside. We set up comfort as our ideal but the worship of it makes us miserable. We feel incapable of anything different or new. We isolate ourselves and can become morbid.

Risk helps us break free from this cycle. It’s empowers us to recreate ourselves. Life becomes an adventure as we realize it contains new depths–that we also contain new depths, new possibilities.

It’s been said that each person is a universe unto themselves, and it’s exciting to know that we have unknown vistas to explore within. Maybe there is hidden courage and beauty we were unaware of, or had long forgotten.

Taking a creative risk opens ourselves up to the possibility of new things: our yes opens the door to unimagined blessings. Likely they were waiting for us all along, but required us to open our hearts to receive them.

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So today I encourage you to examine yourself with a spirit of openness to new possibilities. What secret call has been sounding in your heart? What risk have you been too afraid to take?

Instead of focusing on the obstacles, which are always larger in our heads, think about how proud and happy you will feel if you take this risk and succeed, or even if you take it and fail. Courage is about facing our fears, instead of hiding from them…it isn’t about not having fears. To face your fears is brave, no matter what the result.

So be emboldened to take a risk, try something new, and break out of your routine. You’ll be surprised by the power within.

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Surprise, surprise; she’s just like me.

After having a big conversation with my husband tonight about various little concerns about my eldest daughter’s character, I had an interesting revelation. Many of the things I see in my seven year old, I can also see in myself. For example:

She so social; she has a hard time amusing herself (I go stir crazy without friends).

She doesn’t know how to be alone and enjoy the silence (I’m always on the phone).

She lacks focus; she’s always flitting from thing to thing (I’m the queen of being distracted and leaving things half done).

She’s rebellious and gives attitude; she can be so hard to deal with (ahem! I can be that way myself, just ask my husband).

You get the idea.

You know the saying that we are most critical of the faults in others that we share ourselves? Well, I think it’s true for our attitude to our children as well. It’s a good thing to be aware of, because as their primary examples, our best bet is to work on ourselves. Especially as we are the only ones we can change anyway.

So I tried to think how this applies to me, how things I want for my daughter are also things I want for myself.

I remembered how when she was little she would spend hours pouring over a workbook, whereas now she prefers to run around with friends. I remembered how I used to study for hours, and write papers, and teach classes to other moms. I remembered how much I like learning, and how I haven’t been prioritizing this part of me lately. I remembered that part of me is a scholar.

I thought about how easily the word “bored” comes out of her mouth, and how she so often needs to be amused by others. I thought about how easily I complain about things to friends, and how I need their presence to cheer me up. I thought about the time when I knew better how to be alone, how to draw on interior resources of prayer, so that I could reach out to others with a smile and brighten their day. I thought about the part of me that is spirit.

I recalled how easily she drops things and runs to the next, and how easily I make excuses for doing the same myself: “I forgot,” “I was distracted,” “It’s too hard,” etc. I recalled a time when passion drove me to do things no matter how hard, to brave rain and snow, even windstorms, perhaps or the point of folly, to get where I wanted to go. I recalled the part of me that is brave.

So I guess I want for my daughter what I want for myself: to be wise, spiritual, and strong. To be a caring, cheerful person who boosts others up, instead of dragging them down. To be someone who knows how to work and contribute to the world. To be self-sufficient and secure in being herself. To be humble enough to listen to others without pride rebelling at every suggestion for improvement. To be someone who knows how to enjoy her own company, and to delve into the riches of her interior world.

So I guess tomorrow, instead of escaping working on my own growth by stressing about my seven year old’s imperfections, I’m going to try to remember all that is good and beautiful in her, and encourage it. And I’m going to try to work more on becoming the best me I can be, even though it can be hard.

One thing’s for sure; working towards the beautiful goal of improving myself is certain to be a lot more satisfying and rewarding than criticizing others, even if they are my kids.

Reveal Yourself and Be Loved

Our deepest fear is that if we reveal our true selves we will be rejected.

Our society encourages this anxiety by bombarding us with tons of glossy magazines claiming to have the secret to perfection: perfect beauty, perfect fitness, perfect diet, perfect relationships.

What message does this send? That if we fail to achieve these things, that’s what we are: failures. Unworthy of attention, unworthy of love.

So we feel the need to cover ourselves in layers of protection: foundation, mascara, blush, lipstick…if we had portable airbrushes we’d likely be constantly glossing ourselves over, too. Like a little magic force field to keep away judgement. (Friends who know I’ve never been much of a makeup girl will hopefully forgive me this cosmetic analogy!) We are afraid that if we let our weakness show through the cracks, we’ll be turned away. Not good enough. Alone.

In fact, this false veneer of perfection forms a wall that keeps others out. The pretence of having no real problems intimidates and alienates others, because everyone has some kind of struggle, and wants to be understood, not judged. Being unwilling to reveal ourselves to others makes us unsafe for others to be honest with us, and blocks the development of authentic friendship, which is based on loving acceptance and trust.

Instead of acknowledging our weaknesses and mistakes, and trying to improve and make amends, we deny them, suppress them, and inadvertently, trap them within ourselves. This makes us feel worse then ever. And carrying all this heavy baggage makes us even more afraid to be discovered. We are haunted by all the skeletons hidden in our closet, if you’ll forgive me the cliché. We become like Scrooge’s partner Marley, who is weighed down by the chains of his guilt for past mistakes. Having never acknowledged his faults and made amends, he is frozen in regret.

I always tell my kids that it’s better to be honest and admit they messed up, than to pretend they didn’t make a mistake. My three year old interprets this in a funny way sometimes:

Me: “Who cut a hole in this?”
Her: “Not me. It was my hand that did it with scissors.”
Me: “Can you please tell your hands not to do this again?”
Her: “It wasn’t the one hand–it was playing Lego–only the other hand.”
Me: “Well, you’re in charge so tell that hand not to do it again.”

It’s natural to deflect the blame, especially when you’re three, but the mature thing is to fess up.

Even though it’s humbling and hard, saying sorry it’s actually very freeing, both for ourselves and the one we apologize to. We can let go of guilt and they of resentment. Truth gives us a fresh start and wipes the slate clean: it is lies that trap us in chains. We have a hard time believing this, because our society can be very harsh and judgemental, and the media loves to glorify the gory details of people’s mistakes. Thank goodness I’m not famous and subject to that!

Sometimes we project our human pettiness onto the divine. We imagine some kind of Zeus waiting in the clouds, ready to zap us if we don’t hide under a bush after making a mistake. But I think this is our biggest mistake–not realizing that we can reveal our true selves and still be loved. That we can always start over again and again, and that the only real failure is giving up on ourselves.

For me, when I apologize after messing up, instead of a thunderbolt, I hear a gentle voice of love. Here’s my interior conversation:

Me: “Hi God. I’m sorry. I messed up again.”
God: “It’s ok, I know.”
Me: “I was trying but…I guess I’m still me, and I just manage to screw things up sometimes.”
God: “I know, and I’m still me, so I still love you.
Me: “Thanks for loving me no matter what. You are amazing.”
God: “And so are you. I made you remember? Don’t give up on yourself. I never have.”

I think if we can rest in the assurance of being loved exactly as we are, we can have the strength and hope to struggle to keep growing, and become even better. This is what true love is, what true friendship is: it inspires us to become the best person we can be. So listen to that cheesy eighties song, and let your true colours come shining through, cause they’re beautiful.

Creative vs. Organized? Striving for a Balanced Character

As human beings we like things to be simple, so we like to give things labels, put them in tidy boxes, and decide what’s best…which camp we belong in, what type we are, and why it’s better that way.

We often use this tendency to justify our lopsided characters. For example:
“I’m creative, so I can’t be organized.”
“I’m a people person, so I can’t ever be alone.”
“I like to be spontaneous and think outside the box, so I can’t plan ahead or follow directions.”

The question is, while we all have certain strengths and weaknesses, do we really have to think about character traits in terms of incompatible opposites? Or can we attain some kind of balance? A harmony between different abilities that reflects the unique person we are…

It is this balance that I want to strive for in myself. I have tended to favour creativity over organization and the intellectual over the practical. In highschool my Mum used to call me the absent-minded professor. I could get lots of A’s but couldn’t keep my room clean and could write poetry but was awful at paperwork.

It was pretty easy to justify these things…as in the examples above: “I’m too creative to be organized.” But the thing is, what if I had tried harder to gain those skills I found so difficult or repugnant? What if I had forced myself to plan ahead a little more, set goals, follow though, etc? Gaining greater self-control though more organization would actually have enabled me to achieve a lot more creatively.

For example, you have to mail your great work of literature to a potential publisher for it to reach the world, so not only creativity and passion are needed but also envelope and stamp. Or at least the discipline and guts to hit send on your query email. So while we often like to think of artists as crazy, passionate, or extreme, I think it actually takes some balance of character traits to achieve greatness. Not being able to find your keys on a regular basis doesn’t help you be more creative or successful, unless you are trying to make rather ugly modern art by throwing all your stuff around your house as you dig for them.

During university my husband, then fiancé, and I were briefly hooked on a video game, The Sims, in which you create characters and build their houses, careers, friendships, etc. Kind of a really fancy way to play house…and escape the pressure of studying! 😉

I always made my people very nice, but left too few character blocks to fill with other virtues like cleanliness. So I ended up with friendly characters with ok jobs who left empty cans of beans on the floor and attracted flies!

My husband made characters with ambition and order, who had gorgeous houses and careers, but would sometimes drive guests away through social faux-pas.

I guess our characters needed the traits of the other to balance each other out. Maybe they should have married each other, as we did in real life!

It seems we need what we tend to see as opposing character traits: to be both responsible and outgoing, focused and friendly, but we are all are weaker in some things than others. It takes a lot of effort to overcome these weaknesses, but “upgrading” our characters has the wonderful payoff of making us both happier and more successful.

What character trait would you like to improve on? How could you be a better, more balanced you? With a little step at a time, and a lot of good humour and hope, we can all grow, so never give up reaching for the person you want to be, while still loving the one you are.

First Steps into Spring

This March was marked by various first steps: the first steps of my husband’s grandmother Doris Doherty into heaven, and the first steps of our little boy here on earth. He waited until his Daddy got back home from the funeral in Ontario before he walked, and then took his first four steps towards us shortly after he got back from the airport.

So here are some pictures of spring flowers in honour of the kind, warm, playful grandmother we are missing, with her wonderful sense of humour and warm British accent; though her voice may fade from our ears, we will ever hear it in our hearts.

Sometimes, the sight of spring flowers and the sound of birds singing again after the silence of winter is enough to make me believe in heaven. That there is a beauty which endures beyond death, and that the bonds of love are truly indestructible.

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Even a few brave bees are foraging among the flowers for nectar on this chilly spring day, and bringing their findings back home. May all who are struggling and suffering be as strong as these hopeful bees, who never give up believing that as long as they keep working together, they can make sweetness out of their struggle.

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The Girl on Fire Finally Gets Burned

The coals of the firey Hunger Games trilogy are still smouldering on my iPad, several weeks after finishing it. Reading it was an intense experience, and one that made me think a lot. One of the most fascinating aspects was witnessing the slow, sad, mental breakdown of the heroin of the story, Katniss Everdeen. A passionate, intense teenager in a violent, unjust world, she struggles to fight against the repression of her state, and becomes increasingly embroiled in the plans of the rebels to take over from the sadistic President Snow.

For a long time Katniss is increasingly consumed by anger. It takes getting literally burned for her to realize it. That the fire of hatred burns not only the one hated, but the one who hates.

That being willing to do anything to destroy your enemy in fact destroys yourself, because it transforms you into them. That the greatest danger is perhaps not death after all, but losing yourself–what is essential to being you, your best part. It’s like Peeta said before the Hunger Games in book 1, that he wanted to die himself, instead of being corrupted by the Games. He didn’t want to be turned into a killer, a monster, someone willing to do whatever it took to achieve their goal, like the career tributes. At first Katniss can’t understand this way of thinking. All she can focus on is survival, for the sake of her little sister, and unwell mother, for whom she feels responsible.

Later she realizes to her horror, that the deeper into war you get, the more the line between ally and enemy blurs, the more the distinction between right and wrong fades, the more the shining idea of peace gets stained by so many splatters of blood.

In the end, so often betrayed and haunted by so many dead, Katniss trusts no one, and the only peace she can imagine is to join them in the grave, but this idea too gives her nightmares. I’m no expert, but I’m sure she has a bad case of PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder).

Violence consumes her and spits her out broken; she is used as a symbol of rebellion, the Mockingjay, thinking that she is furthering the cause of freedom, when in fact she is helping the advancement if a new dictator, just as willing to kill as the last. When her usefulness expires, and her influence becomes a threat, she becomes expendable, and measures are taken.

The Hunger Games Trilogy beings and ends tragically: with the death of children. The abuse of precious and innocent human life as political bait, as hostages, as gory entertainment, as propaganda, as sacrifice for power, as a means to an end. The end is ugly.

But the books do not end in despair, but return to that small, precious hope of a quiet family life, faithful love, and children, made wiser by our experiences, with a future better than our past.

It reminds me of the return to the Shire at the end of The Lord of the Rings, after all the war and trauma of the journey to destroy the one ring, the ring of power, that nearly consumed Frodo. This ring likely would have killed or totally destroyed him without the faithful friendship of Samwise Gamgee, the kind, generous and brave friend who never abandoned him. After it is all done, and they have succeeded, the most beautiful thing is to see Sam return home to Rosie, to love, a hearth and home, to have a family. This is what makes all the sacrifice and heroism worth it.

Sam and Peeta both show us that what really matters, in worlds that can be so twisted and complex, is to remain true to our essential core, which is unswerving fidelity to those we love, and the realization that love is stronger than death, and is the force which has far more power to save our world than violence.

So what does this mean for us?

That when we are angry, we should seek peace.
That when we are disgusted by someone’s actions, we should still treat them with respect because they are a human being, and we, too, are capable of making many mistakes.
That when we are despised or mocked, we should not spit back nasty words, because returning evil for evil is a sure way to let our enemies win, by turning us into the kind of people whose actions were hurting us in the first place.
That we should never put people in simplistic boxes of good or evil, especially if labelling them the latter dehumanizes them. When we stop treating other people like human beings, we become monsters.

There is an expression worth pondering, that we must drown evil in an abundance of good. Often the best way to make the world a brighter place, instead of lashing out against the darkness, is to let the light of goodness shine by doing many simple, kind, and generous things, and trusting that all these little actions do add up to something important. If we teach this to our children, they can bear little torches of hope out into the world, and touch many lives for the better.

I don’t mean that we shouldn’t fight against injustice, and rally around the oppressed, but when we are in any kind of struggle, let’s remember what the rebels in the Hunger Games forgot: that not only the cause matters, but the way of fighting it, because fighting for a just cause by evil means poisons the whole thing.

And if the idea of violence against children rightly horrifies us, let’s remember that all people, of every background, were once children, too.

Live Free: Smash your Fears

The wise Aristotle once said,

He who has overcome his fears will be truly free.

Today I want to share an amazing true story with you. It’s the story of a woman who was expected to die, but lived instead. Her name is Heather.

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Her husband Cameron shared her story with me:

Eight years ago, my wife Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma; a rare cancer that kills most people within 2 years of diagnosis. She had just given birth to our daughter Lily, and was only given 15 months to live. After a life saving surgery that included the removal of her left lung, LungLeavin’ Day was born. On February 2nd, we celebrated 8 years of Heather being cancer free.

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The purpose of LungLeavin’ Day is to encourage others to face their fears! Each year, we gather around a fire in our backyard with our friends and family, write our biggest fears on a plate and smash them into the fire. We celebrate for those who are no longer with us, for those who continue to fight, for those who are currently going through a tough time in their life, and most importantly, we celebrate life!

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Marcus Aurelius wrote long ago in his Meditations,

It is not death that man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.

Heather wants to encourage all of us to truly live. To see life as a great gift and a joyful adventure, rather than something to be feared.

So what is it that you fear most? Rejection? Loneliness? Failure? Weakness? Poverty? Suffering?

Or perhaps responsibility, commitment or even success? What fear is holding you back?

Can you imagine if an eagle chose to sit in a cage because it was afraid of heights? It would never experience that glorious feeling of flying!

We are made for greatness, made for happiness, made for love. Sometimes these things scare us so we hide behind bars of fear we mistake for control. We convince ourselves to be stoic, to remain steady and unattached, to not get sucked into life lest it involve suffering.

But this is not freedom. This is not truly living.

Life is so much more of a beautiful adventure when we let go. Our real stories are more amazing than the ones we would write for ourselves; it’s the struggle and the suffering that makes the other moments so precious.

So what fear would you like to smash? What small step can you take today to face your fear and win your freedom?

It’s said that sometimes we fear what we desire most…

Since I was a teenager, I’ve had great desire to write, but I used to be so afraid of people reading my work. It was too painful. One great step to overcoming my fear was starting this blog. It was really hard to press publish that very first post. I literally had to force myself.

But what I feared as a source of rejection and failure has turned out to be a source of joy, encouragement, and liberation. I am more inspired and write more easily than ever before, because I gave myself permission to smash my fear and live. I feel part of a community and can rejoice in the successes of my fellow writers, because I too am pursuing my dream.

Sometimes if we ask for miracles, they really do happen, many little ones all the time, and sometimes big ones too. Our job is to be grateful and enjoy them!

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Please visit Heather’s page for more of her story and links to more info:
http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/lungleavinday/