Today my four-year-old son told me while we were gardening, “Mama, I’m dust so happy cause I love drawing tomato people.” Here they are!
Many people struggle with saying “no.” It is so hard to disappoint people, to imagine letting them down. It feels easier to take on added stress than to refuse someone and upset them. But this attitude can lead to burnout and resentment, and endanger the peace and well-being of the person giving. Boundaries are necessary to protect these things, and having healthy boundaries means being able to say “no” without excessive guilt or worry.
Perhaps reframing things would be helpful to those who struggle with saying “no.” Within each situation where something is refused, another positive thing is chosen. Saying “no” to taking on an extra work project over the weekend means saying “yes” to quality time with your family. Saying “no” to joining an extra committee means saying “yes” to being able to take care of your own work and family, without getting so frazzled and stressed. Saying “no” to that late night movie means saying “yes” to gettting the rest you need. Every decision involves discerning and affirming your priorities. Decisions are a way to say “yes” to the life you wish to live…and that life requires the boundary of various “no’s” to maintain it.
I think the key, which I am trying to learn myself, is to allow yourself to say “no” calmly, without the guilt or worry that can lead to harshness or sarcasm in order to protect the fragile boundaries around yourself. It is ok, and even necessary and good to take care of yourself and make sure that whatever you do give is given freely, with a cheerful and generous heart. We need to give this good example to our children and those around us. Love can only be given freely, and that means also having the freedom to say “no.”
Many of these helpful ideas are found in the book Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to say No, to take Control of your Life by psychologists Dr.’s Cloud and Townsend. I believe I have written about this book before because I found it so eye-opening and transformative. After discussing boundaries with various people– family, spouses, children, co-workers, etc– the book ends with various tips and questions to see how you are growing in your ability to maintain your boundaries. The best quick check for responding to a request was this: if you hesitate to say “yes,” the answer is “no.” You shouldn’t have to force yourself into things because of fear of disappointing others or appearing badly.
Remember, every “no” is also a “yes”…a “yes” to what you are able to do, what you desire to do, what makes your life better, what helps you feel free. Of course we should practice generosity and strive to live affectionately with those around us, but in the security of knowing that their love for us doesn’t depend on our unconditional “yes” to every request. And hopefully by learning to say “no” with confidence, we will also greatly respect the “no’s” of others, and never receive them with bitterness or resentment.
toss, turn and tumble
until the dragons
in my head evict me from my bed.
A few of my close girlfriends are expecting, so I thought I’d share my best tips for keeping that queasy tummy under control and minimizing pregnancy nausea. Let’s get you enjoying food again as much as my daughter enjoys her peanut butter sandwich!
1. Eat often. This is key. Small frequent meals help maintain an even blood sugar and prevent those woozy, dizzy crashes and feeling weak. Basically treat yourself like a newborn, and eat every 2-3 hours in the daytime. Things like healthy smoothies, trail mix, cheese and crackers, yogurt and banana, bran muffins, fruit etc. Make sure to have stuff around that you enjoy eating, and seize the moment to cook when you’re feeling ok. Slow cookers are great this way!
2. Eat heartily. Make sure there’s some good fat and protein in what you eat. Healthy is good, but when you’re growing a baby, you need more than salad greens. So have hummus with your veggie sticks, or choose a Greek salad with feta and olives.
3. Don’t drown your food. Too much liquid sloshing around is a formula for a lost lunch. For me, a hot breakfast sandwich topped by cold juice = 😝!! Instead sip something between meals…like tea with milk and honey, or ginger ale.
4. Don’t eat and run. There’s nothing like the stress of eating in a rush and running out the door to ensure your panicky stomach will lose its contents. So slow down and savour your food. Remember building a baby is important work!
5. Let you body decide. If you really crave something, and it’s not a clearly forbidden food during pregnancy, like raw sushi, go for it. Don’t be perfectionist when you’re feeling queasy–almost any food is better than no food when you’re growing an entire new person inside! Allow yourself to order in sometimes, or go out. Food someone else prepared can be so much yummier…and new moms need to be ‘mothered’, too!
6. Say yes to that midnight snack. If you wake up feeling icky, don’t wait for the morning to eat, because you’ll feel even worse. Scramble out of bed and have some cereal and milk, a relaxing tea like Sleepytime, or some toast. Sometimes leftover pizza works, too! Taking care of your tummy now gives you a better chance of feeling decent in the morning, instead of starting the day on a deficit.
7. Always pack a snack. Makes sure you have easy-grab snacks to throw in your purse when you go out. The last thing you need when you’re getting errands done or taking kids to the park is to feel woozy! Apples, trail mix, muffins, or a healthy bar like Vega One meal replacement bar or Vega Sport.
8. Try to get more sleep. Exhaustion just aggravates nausea, so getting an extra hour of sleep, or losing it, can make a real difference. If you’re feeling crummy, sometimes a nap is the best way to hit reset and start over again feeling better. If you feel guilty resting (which you shouldn’t!), call a nap by a different name: N. N. A. P. : Neo-Natal Alteration Process (in other words, rest time is baby-growing time!). Good luck! And happy baby baking! 👶
This is a question I get a lot as a mother of a large family. “Six kids! How do you do it?” And it’s hard to know exactly how to answer. People sometimes look at you like you’re some kind of rock star, or insane person…or both. It’s kind of embarrassing. Usually I just say something like: “Oh, you know…prayer, chocolate, and great mom buddies.”
You get answers like, “Well, better you than me. I couldn’t do it. I don’t have the patience.”
As if I have a magic unending supply if it myself.
So sometimes I feel like answering the “how you do it” question with something more like, “Terribly! My kids haven’t had matching socks in years… How about yourself?” But then…I’m already freaky enough…
So what is the real answer, and why? To get there let me tell you a story of a man who inspired me a lot. He was a Polish priest who was very humble, very gentle, and very brave. He was quiet, unassuming, and attentive to everyone he met. But above all, he loved to a heroic degree. He loved beyond the capacity of the human heart, because the love of God infused his life and broke it open. He loved, as my kids might say, “Up to the sky!” This man died when he offered his life in return for a stranger in the concentration camps, who was spared the torment of the starvation bunker. That young man he saved lived and was I believe reunited with his family, for whose sake he had pleaded to live.
The man who saved him was St. Maximilian Kolbe, ands when I read his story I was so moved. “I want to love like that,” I thought, “but there’s no way I can on my own.” And that’s where the Holy Spirit comes in. That’s where grace takes over and lifts our small efforts Heavenward. So every day, in the midst of all the small and large sacrifices of raising a family, I rely not on my own virtue, strength or talent, but on the ever present, merciful love of God.
I can do all things in Him who strengthens me…
Each day I try, make mistakes, lose my cool, have moments of sweetness, little successes and big failures, but without giving up. Beginning again and again. Trying to pour out love from a heart cracked open…and from my open hands reaching out for grace.
Family life is a beautiful crucible..a place to be purified and to grow in love. But then this is my goal, remember–to love to heroic degree. To love beyond my natural human capacity, because the love of God overflows from my imperfect, struggling heart–the heart of a mother who gives, and of a daughter who receives daily from God the strength to carry on.