Category: Ponderings

First Snowdrop: Tiny Signs of Spring

On By Anna EastlandIn Family Life, motherhood, Ponderings4 Comments

20140129-223446.jpg

This beautiful delicate snowdrop, pushing its way out of the rubble of mushy brown leaves, sticks and manure, to let its little pure white head glow in the sunlight, is a sweet sign that spring is slowly coming, that hope for renewal after winter is alive. A sign that even when life makes us face our worst fears, such as the death of a loved one, we can come out of the haze of sadness with eyes that still see the beauty of the world.

I dedicate this picture to my great friend and fellow blogger Monique Leblanc, the one who inspired me to begin sharing my adventures in Crazyland. I offer it for her especially, because she recently passed the due date of her son Hilary, who was born asleep half way through her pregnancy. His appearance was like this snowdrop, brief and achingly beautiful.

I offer it also because she has recently moved from the balmy west coast to the frozen (but friendly!) fields of Saskatchewan, and is much more likely to be seeing snow ploughs than snow drops at this time. The great thing is that she thinks this is fun! 🙂

I want to honour her unfailing friendship, her joyful sense of adventure, and her great dedication to her family. She has been for years, and always will be, a wonderful inspiration for me. She embraced me and believed in me when we first became friends, and has never ceased to love and encourage me. Cicero said so poignantly:

What sweetness is left in life if you take away friendship? Robbing the world of friendship is like robbing the world of the sun.

I was afraid of losing her closeness when she moved away, but instead feel closer to her than ever, thanks to the phone, and her uncanny ability to know when I just really need to talk to her. As Anne Shirley said so well: “True friends are always together in spirit.”

Blogging has also helped us to stay close as we try our hands at writing and jump into this wonderful online community together. Check out the awesome blog she writes with her husband Ryan at thelasttimechange.blogspot.ca/

Life can be tough, but if you have a good friend to laugh and even cry with, everything is ok. It gives life a stability that can sustain you through the roughest waters, and help you laugh over your little daily disasters with someone who knows you better than you know yourself. Our old buddy Cicero agrees:

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.

I hope all of you have friends like this. Have you told them lately how much they mean to you?

20140201-090158.jpg

On Vulnerability

On By Anna EastlandIn Ponderings6 Comments

Lately I’ve become a little addicted to reading The Hunger Games Trilogy, despite my initial resistance. My husband wanted to watch the first movie one night, and I refused, claiming it was not my kind of movie, and that the idea of violent teenagers in an arena was enough to give me daymares. So he bought the books instead and got totally hooked, reading it tons while he was home sick for a few days. Then my husband, who loves to share, convinced me to read it too, and after this we’ll likely watch all the movies. That’s what I get for not watching one movie! 😉

But I’m glad, and it’s a lot more engrossing than I imagined. Certainly the ideas of media control, surveillance, and propaganda in their harsh society are politically relevant and spookily real at times. But honestly, what’s really grabbing me is the romance. Tortured teenage love triangle, which sounds cheesy but is actually quite beautifully done. I’m only half way through book two, but what interests me so far is the main character Katniss’ inability to authentically respond to love.

She craves the warmth and security of love a lot but fears it more. I think this is because to really open herself up to love would be the ultimate vulnerability. Her survival so far has been based on strength, grit, toughing it out, learning to lock away her emotions and overcome desperation to help her family survive. Her identity is the hunter, the provider, the one who doesn’t care about anyone but her family. The idea of letting her heart out of its cage frightens her, because she couldn’t defend it with violence, as she can her life. Her happiness would be out of her control.

As I said, love is the ultimate vulnerability; the more you love someone, the more their loss can hurt you, and in her precarious world this is a real danger. This is in a way the real tragedy in her world, that the freedom to love is choked by fear. But if we can’t love, are we really alive anyway?

When the baker’s son Peeta is repeatedly kind to her, she is suspicious. His willingness to repeatedly sacrifice himself for her causes confusion and shame; she can’t understand his actions. Only when he is severely wounded, and she can come to the rescue, does she allow herself to feel more. When he is strong, her pride rebels; when he is weak, she yearns to heal him.

It is similar with her best friend and hunting companion Gale; her strong attachment to him only becomes clearly romantic when he is flogged and near death. She only feels comfortable as the saviour, and gets evasive whenever love is expressed between equals. This changeable nature of her heart is extremely frustrating, and in a way, very realistic. After all, she’s a teenager!

Anyway, you can see what I’ve been doing in spare moments when feeding the baby, and what I’ve been obsessing over while doing the dishes. Yup, I’m hooked, and rooting for Peeta, the kind, generous, giving one who lays down his life again and again for Katniss. He reminds me of my husband. The nice guy whose strength lies in self-giving, as opposed to the dark, brooding hunter that is Gale.

But don’t tell me what happens; I’ll be crushed if my little crush is crushed…which given the awful nature of the world of The Hunger Games, is very likely.

The Grace to be Present

On By Anna EastlandIn PonderingsLeave a comment

I saw this quote online and it made me laugh to think how true it is:

Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

Sometimes we think that it is a noble thing to worry, that it is somehow more responsible to worry than to trust. Perhaps we know that we shouldn’t really worry about whether or not a new haircut will turn out perfectly, but we fall into the trap of thinking that it is right to worry extensively about the things that do really matter, like whether or not we are a good enough parent. Surely in this matter we are justified in periodically raking ourselves over the coals…right?

Nope.

While it is responsible to spend some time in reflection and planning, in setting goals and making small changes, this kind of beat-yourself-up worry can easily be more self-indulgent than useful, because it can lead to apathy and despair, instead of hope-inspired action.

Furthermore, while worry removes us emotionally and mentally, gratitude helps us to be present, to really experience the moment and the people we are with. Worrying when you are with someone is like the mental equivalent of texting at the table. How about instead of sitting worrying about whether you are a good enough parent, spouse, or friend, give your loved one a hug? The love of an imperfect person goes a really long way; after all, we all are!

5 things to do if you catch yourself sliding into a worry spiral:

1. Get up and do something. Take one small, concrete step towards the issue troubling you, and then try to let it go.

2. Work up a sweat. Go for a brisk walk, get down and scrub the floor (it’s hard to worry when huffing, puffing, and making your house shine) or get down and boogie. A little living room dance party does wonders for the soul.

3. Read something uplifting. Remember all the beautiful things happening in the world. Give thanks for what is going well, and try to trust that there is a good plan behind the things that, in your limited view, are not.

4. Call a friend. Ask them about their day. You’ll remember others have struggles, too, and yours will become a lot smaller. Just voicing your fears to a confidant will help them become less ominous, and you’ll likely receive the emotional boost you need along with some good laughs. Also, friends are good at telling you the things you already knew but forgot, and needed to hear from someone you love.

5. Pray. There’s no harm in asking for help, in letting the things beyond our control out of our tight grasp, in letting go so that something good can happen, something better even than what we imagined. Remember, “worrying is like praying for what you don’t want,” so instead, pray for you heart’s desires, for peace, wisdom and joy, for the hope to begin again each day with trust. As Anne of Green Gables’ lovely school teacher Miss Barry said, “Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it…Yet.” Just remember, making mistakes doesn’t disqualify you from being loveable, but worrying about your mistakes can prevent you from loving. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and that gentleness will extend to others.

And if all else fails, eat some chocolate and watch a funny movie! Or maybe do that part anyway…

“Oh, Holy Night:” A Reflection on Wholeness

On By Anna EastlandIn Family Life, Ponderings4 Comments

A few evenings ago we braved Christmas tree decorating with our little nest of 5 squirrels, aged 7 years to 8 months. It went surprisingly well. There were no major squabbles, decorations broken, or Christmas tree climbings. The baby squirrel did try to bat at the tree, and sucked on a star, but happily it was wooden.

The best part, besides the baby squirrel’s look of amazement when we turned the lights on the tree, was our two year old’s triumphant “I did it!” after she hung up each decoration. The lowest branches got very decorated! Every time she hung one she leaped into her pleased daddy’s arms and gave him a big hug.

While we decorated we listened to the Classic Christmas playlist on my Songza app (which I totally recommend). Songza has soundtracks for every mood and occasion. It’s like custom radio with no commercials: a digital DJ. Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer is the most popular song in my house, but the kids like some of the traditional carols as well.

As we draw closer to this special time of the year, I’ve been reflecting a little on this holiness we sing about in carols. What does it mean?

When we think of the first Christmas night, the virgin birth, the choirs of angels filling the night sky with song, the birth of a savior, we perhaps think of beauty, light, transcendence, miracle. Wonderful things, but perhaps very ‘other’ than ourselves, very removed from our lives today.

From my limited experience with Hebrew, I believe holy, ‘kadosh,’ does indeed mean ‘set apart’. Is holiness something just for ancient biblical tales then, or is it something that involves me today?

It’s good to remember that this very extraordinary event of the first Christmas took place in very ordinary circumstances. In a stable or cave, surrounded by warm farm animals, munching hay while their breath rose in steamy clouds in the chill night air.

The first visitors were the humble shepherds, not the wise kings, so throughout the Christmas story, the theme of littleness prevails. Glory swaddled in humility, power curled up delicately as an infant in his mother’s arms.

Again, how does this image of holiness relate to me, today? Am I to try to imitate these ancient people in an exterior way, to try to conform to a particular image of goodness?

The more I mediate on the idea of holiness, the more I see that it is precisely in being wholly oneself, that one can reach holiness.

That to try to conform in non-essential exterior things in attempt to appear a certain way, is quite the opposite of holiness, for it is a betrayal of your own wholeness, a marring of the divine image which God made you. You are a unique, unrepeatable creation. Who you are is good; after all, you were His idea! You are loved exactly as you are.

Sometimes along the paths of life we pick up lots of emotional junk; it sticks to us and hides the beautiful image inside. I think the process of holiness is one of removing all this non-essential garbage: fear, pride, resentment, blame, etc to uncover the original creation that is truly you. This is a big process, one of a lifetime, and can feel overwhelming. Ask your Creator to help reveal his masterpiece. A little more each day.

So this Christmas, a season of gratitude, dig deep to find what is unique and beautiful in you, and give thanks for it. Without comparing yourself to others, because it is the sum of all the crazy, amazing people in the world that makes it such a wonderful place. Each with their own gifts to contribute, their own lessons to teach and to learn.

Here is a quote from humorist Erma Bombeck, who was a housewife, mother of three, and prolific writer of newspaper columns and books, including the awesomely titled “The Grass is Always Greener over the Septic Tank.”

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would have not a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’

I encourage you to embrace your passion, nurture your creativity and believe your dreams can come true. Try something you always wanted to but were too afraid. Make the world a better place as only you, with your specific mission in life, can. This way you’ll be more holy, wholly, you. And that, in my opinion, is exactly what God had in mind.

And now, lest I’m all talk and no action, I’m off to the dishes, part of my particular mission to care for my family.

20131221-095544.jpg

Wild Garden, Real Me

On By Anna EastlandIn motherhood, PonderingsLeave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about personality this year, or character perhaps, or whatever it is that is essential and unique in each of us. How important it is to be true to that core of our being that is unlike any other. This is how we were made and who we are meant to be.

I was pondering that while sitting out in the playhouse in our back yard drinking coffee. Well, actually, it was pond water mixed with a scoop of sand, but lovingly prepared by my three year old girl, as I visited her toy kitchen.

I was looking out the playhouse door at our wild garden, with all it’s colourful rotting leaves and plants in various stages of fall transition, and thinking how lucky I am to have such interesting things to look at, ever changing. How much better like it than a perfectly manicured lawn, that looks exactly the same all year.

It’s a beautiful thing to be able to embrace our wild garden, and not feel the need to crop it and mow it and trim it until it matches surrounding lawns with golf-course-like precision.

How many of us feel the pressure to conform our personalities to this manicured model? How often are we willing to betray our selves for the sake of appearances, for the sake of fitting in?

How much more alive would we be if we didn’t? If we could really accept and embrace who we are, and know that to be true to ourselves is the best way to be beautiful?

It is a good thing to be comfortable in our own skin, even of it means other people might think we’re a little (or totally) crazy. Life’s more interesting when you’re weird!

I think when we can stand firmly where we are, confident in being ourselves, that we can begin to move forward to grow even better.

We all want to improve ourselves, and struggle with feeling inadequate at times, especially as mothers. But before we can improve effectively, we need to accept where we are, and be ok with it.

Being imperfect is really ok. We all are; no matter how much we think others have it more together than we do, everyone struggles.

So whatever kind of garden you like, whether wild or orderly, colourful or clean looking, live in it and enjoy it, no matter what the neighbour’s lawn looks like. Being you is best for you, and what’s best for them doesn’t really matter.

20131115-144158.jpg

One Good Apple

On By Anna EastlandIn Ponderings2 Comments

Thought I’d repost this one I came across in the bowls of my blog. Happy reading!

There’s a tree in my back garden that is almost fruitless. It has one cluster of small green apples, misshapen and stuck together, and not ripening. And then, in the expanse of many green leaves and twigs there’s one other apple. It’s beautifully round and large, and I don’t say it’s perfect, but it’s certainly a very good apple.

“Good job, Tree,” I whisper. It is impressive to do one thing really well, to grow that one good apple.

Too often personally, I take on so many little things, try to focus in so many directions at once, that my apples end up small and misshapen. I live on the scattered surface of life, instead of looking and living more deeply, more slowly, with focus and peace.

Sometimes I think we need to give ourselves permission to be very small, to live slowly and deeply in our little corner of the world. To have the humility to just do our little thing, and the hope to know that our little thing really matters, and is worth doing well.

When we busy ourselves so much with external things, we forget to nourish and explore the treasure within. It is this interior life that gives depth and meaning to all we do, and brings us happiness and peace in the most diverse circumstances.

It’s important to be still, to spend time in solitude and in contemplation. In this quiet we become more aware of the beauty surrounding us, and of the way we want to respond to it. Chances are we’ll find the seed of one good apple, that unique fruit we have to offer the world.

Children of Peace or Prosperity?

On By Anna EastlandIn Ponderings2 Comments

Last night I read a moving address given by Pope Francis to the people of the tiny Italian island of Lampedusa, where immigrants fleeing from the coast of Africa had come to seek refuge. He came there to visit them and express his solidarity and sorrow for the suffering of those families who died on ships on the way, having been repelled before they could apply for asylum. He called their plight a thorn in his heart.

Pope Francis spoke passionately of the “globalization of indifference,” a phrase which caught my attention. While we have so much awareness of world events because of the media, we often lack the very human ability to weep for our brothers and sisters around the world, who find themselves in tragic circumstances. We are satisfied to say, “Oh, too bad!” and turn off the news. If we can’t weep with the suffering, and mourn the dead, how can we work up the energy to assist those in need?

But how? Many of us feel a world away and very small, incapable of changing anything. But is it true? We are actually all members of the same human family, and sharers of the same world, with all its diversity. In the movie version of “The Hobbit” Gandalf says he thinks that the wizard Sauroman is mistaken in his belief that only force and might can overcome great evil. Gandalf proposes instead that many small and simple acts of goodness and love are what hold evil at bay.

As a mother, I of course think about how this applies to my children. Am I teaching them to be people of peace, who care about the needs of others, who know how to sacrifice for love, who stand up for the oppressed? Or am I allowing them to stay in a bubble of prosperity, satisfied with satisfying themselves, enclosed in material goods and unable to empathize with those unluckier? I hope and pray that I can help them grow into people who find joy in serving others, who know how to weep with the suffering, and rejoice with the rejoicing.

I think this all starts at home, in a very simple way, by teaching children to love their siblings. Sometimes kids can sound like a den of wildcats preparing for battle, but you have to keep encouraging them to think of others and appreciate the moments when that inner goodness shines through. I remember being very impressed once when my oldest daughter, then almost three, thought of her baby sister before herself. They were in the double stroller on the bus when the bus lurched and sent the stroller smashing sideways into the bus wall. My toddler’s finger was caught between and hurt, but her first words were, “Is my sister ok?” I knew then that something was going right.

I’m sure many of my fellow moms have great practical suggestions on how to teach children to be people of peace, and I encourage you to share them. I would like to share more of them as well, but that will have to wait for another post, as my delicious mommy time will likely soon expire. I’ll finish up with one last thought: the peace of the world is not merely in the hands of the rich and powerful, but in the hands and hearts of everyone. It has been said that charity consists more in understanding than in giving, so it is something possible for people of every economic backround. If we teach kids to be understanding and compassionate to others, even those very different from themselves, we can hope that when in positions of influence as adults, they will make decisions not merely based on self-interest. Since every person influences those around them for better or worse, raising every child well matters. If we mothers and fathers succeed, we will have greatly enriched the world, and given peace a fighting chance.

Freedom in Giving

On By Anna EastlandIn Ponderings1 Comment

I was reading the encyclical “The Splendor of the Truth” by Pope John Paul the 2nd, when I came across an amazing statement: that it is by giving ourselves away freely and totally, dedicating ourselves to others, and to something greater than ourselves, that we become free.

This struck me as something beautiful and challenging, the idea that it is in seeking to go beyond ourselves, to reach out to the other, that we find true freedom, rather than by seeking first of all ourselves.  It is impossible to possess ourselves completely, to be in control of all things around us, and have things always our way (the dream of children). But it is perhaps possible, with struggle, to let go of ourselves.

If we can give ourselves fully to something we are passionate about–our family, our community, our faith, our work, our art–we can gradually be freed from the entanglements of resentment, bitterness, and self-pity that come from failing to give fully. When we only give half, we feel trapped, because we are still trying to hang on to control, to measure how much we give and make sure we are rewarded.

On the contrary, the person who gives freely, does so because she is inspired to do good; the beauty of goodness urges her on. The reward lies in overcoming herself in order to serve others, not being trapped by her own selfishness but escaping into the beautiful freedom of love, which seeks only to bring joy to others.

It’s a wonderful ideal, which flashed before me this morning like a shooting star…it made me realize that the more fully I give myself, the more I embrace my exact circumstances, the more I rejoice in serving my family, the more free and happy I will be. I guess my whole life will be a climb towards this freedom, an emerging from myself, a lesson in love.  Cheers to all my fellow climbers, and to never giving up, despite the struggles of each day.