Until my October Garden post not long ago, I hadn’t written on my blog for so long. It is not that I stopped writing, but that I stopped sharing. Sorting through my Dad’s belongings this past summer while I cleaned out his apartment, I was at times overwhelmed with memories, longings and regrets. I read over old letters and cards I wrote him as a child. He saved every one in a special folder, “Anna.” Every one since since before I could spell Daddy.
The pain of having lost so much time with him as a child after the divorce, and while living overseas in Holland as a teenager, resurfaced. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I didn’t want to hurt my Mum, but silence is suffocating, at least for me. I need to let things out to let them go.
I did pour that pain into poetry, and as my Dad’s one year of passing approaches on November 9th, I am going to share some with you again.
Since losing a baby 7 years ago in labour, and losing my Dad last year to cancer, I have written a lot of poetry about grief. I wonder if this bothers some people in our “get over it and on with it” society. Am I that weird lady who always writes about death?
At the core of it though, I realize I am ultimately writing about love—because love is what connects us beyond death. Grieving is not being stuck in the past, but honouring the fact that parts of your heart have gone ahead to the future, leaving holes until you are reunited.
All we can hope is that the holes will make our hearts bigger, and let the light shine through from those we love, who are already bathed in heavenly peace. If this is all too cheesy and cliché, that’s just too bad. I am tired of not sharing. So with no more fuss, here is one of my poems from this summer:
1 July, 2021
I am sitting in the living room
folding laundry when I find a sudden sign of you
I inhale your familiar scent
lingering beyond the grave in your soft pillow case
I crumple and hide my face in it
faded and butter-soft from oh so many washing’s
I think of your quiet gentleness
your simplicity, poverty, and deep love of peace
I remember your arms around me
my eyes closed, my face resting against your shirt buttons
I breathe in deeply and the pain swells
my heart bursting with the bittersweet scent of you, Dad