The faith of a flower bulb,
allowing itself to be entombed
in the earth,
awaiting spring.
Believing that from nothing
could spring something,
from the darkness,
new life.
Give me that faith
in Your ability
to bring forth greatness
from a tiny seed,
buried in the darkness
of weakness and failure,
of unkept resolutions
and missed opportunities.
Help me begin again–
a new spring–
and as the sunlight
pours down upon me,
give me the courage to grow!
Spring forward–
move the clocks!
Let the daylight stretch into the afternoon
like a sleepy cat
awakening.
But this spring feels late–
the snow lingers in patches,
though sobbed on by rain,
and grimly threatens to return
in mid-March flurries.
One wishes it was weather
more suited for blizzards
from Dairy Queen
but the chill damp air
crushes dreams of summer.
Undaunted we spring forward,
planning spring in our dining room–
filling every ledge and shelftop
with seedlings and sprouting things
baby bok choi and alyssum flowers
peas and beans with their bright green leaves–
tiny banners raised in triumph against the grey.
We are even sprouting an avocado —
its plump brown pit skewered by toothpicks
and half-submerged in water.
Every day I look with delight at the long white root
shooting out like a streak of hope
seeking life.
Spring forward
and if spring won’t leap with you,
give it a push!
It’s almost mid-January, and as we struggle to get back into the routine of the New Year after the Christmas holidays, it can be easy to get discouraged about our New Year’s resolutions. Perhaps, like many households, you’re been hit with the flu (yup, us, too) and have been living in your pajamas for a week. This is not the time to be harsh with yourself! It’s been a “put your money where your mouth is” challenge to my desire to be more aware of my mood and conscious of being happy, but just cause I got a little grumpy around 5 pm a few times doesn’t mean it is time to give up. The only real failure is giving up forever!
I think that rather than seeing January as the beginning of a race to a ‘new me’, it should be seen as a month of reflection and planning for a great year. December is way too packed already to plan then. Furthermore, as Maria, a young woman I know put it, “Making New Year’s resolutions while you’re stuffing yourself with Christmas cookies just feels stupid.” So I propose we see January as the time to dig deep and see where we could make our lives better, happier, and more joyful by improving our habits and character. If happiness is a project, it surely requires some planning!
Here are three steps to help you make good resolutions and keep striving to achieve them:
Rubin wrote a book called: Better Than Before about making and breaking habits, and in researching it she discovered 4 basic ways people form habits. You can take her quick and easy quiz to see what kind of habit former you are, and get her tips on how to help yourself succeed in building the habits you desire: Four Tendencies Quiz. If it peaks your curiosity to know them, the options are Upholder, Questioner, Rebel and Obliger. I found it really helpful to know that there are different ways people respond to internal and external pressure to change…maybe I am not a terrible new habit former after all, I just haven’t been approaching it the right way! Hope!
It is with gratitude and bittersweet joy that I can tell you my new poetry book, written in the year after I lost my daughter Josephine in labour, is now available for purchase online at blurb.ca.
unexpected blossoming: a journey of grief and hope
After a year of writing, and a year of creating the book, my friend Rachel (who really made this project happen) and I, after some excellent final editing by my husband James, ordered several boxes of my poetry book. It shipped within three days, on the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. There couldn’t have been a more poignant day for me, as I’ve drawn such consolation and hope from her in this journey. I really wanted the book to arrive on time for Josephine’s second birthday, on September 30th, and it came in good time only a week after ordering it. I am so impressed with the self-publishing company Blurb! Emotionally, I needed her birthday gift on time and they delivered.
To celebrate little Jo’s special day, we had an open house book launch, and filled our home with people from 1-5:30 pm. It meant a lot to be surrounded by loving friends and family. My mother and sister-in-law even took the ferry to be here. My amazing friend and midwife Terry-Lyn also came, with a tiny pot of white flowers. This made my day. The hands which held my baby, when so few others have, will always be sacred to me. I know she holds my Jo in her heart as well.
That day we ate goodies and shared stories and sold books. In the few weeks since receiving my boxes of books, 200 have sold or been donated. I had the honour of reading one of my poems at an event for bereaved families on October 14, the evening before international babyloss day. My books were available for any grieving families, counselors, funeral directors or other care workers who were there to take with them.
In a strange twist of fate, it turned out that one of the counselors there, Sarah, is close to a good friend of mine, Katie. She had driven her to my house the day before Josephine’s funeral to deliver the soft white blanket she is wrapped in. Funny how life works.
I am grateful that my little Jo is able to be so active in this world from Heaven. That her special mission to reach out and comfort other moms through my writing is being carried out. That she will be known and remembered. One of the sweetest comments about my book came from a Korean friend in broken English, after having read it, “I didn’t understand all words, but I think your baby very happy. She sees her mama loves her very much.” What more can I ask?
Today I mailed 20 more books, so my little girl is, in her own special way, seeing the world, as her book travels to Calgary, Tofino, Nelson, Saskatoon, Toronto, Rome, Hawaii, and the Philippines. My little shooting star…may she bring sweetness and hope to every heart she shines on.
PS If you know a bereaved mom or family member who may appreciate a book, please let me know in the comments below, or order one from the link above.
Tonight
is the night before I lost you, dearest,
two years ago
when you burst from my womb
and were launched straight into Heaven.
Two years ago tonight,
it was Michealmas
and perhaps your passing the next day
was accompanied by him–
this warrior angel
this strong protector—
to carry you on high
in arms safe and loving as your daddy’s.
Great angel,
protect my spirit now
and give me the courage to face the night,
knowing what tomorrow brings.
Help me be brave enough
to feel the pain of loss
yet again,
ever still,
but also to live with the simplicity of my children
who know how to rejoice in each moment
and sing Christmas carols with gusto
no matter what the season.
Sufficient for the day
is the joy thereof.
I feel like a ship on waving waters
tossed about and slightly seasick,
but all is not chaos
and I won’t be lost
if I keep firmly anchored in You, Lord,
my bedrock.
I can toss and tumble,
but I won’t drift off course
so here in the jumble of waves
I’ll be happy.
The dry land with its steady stillness
is not for me now.
Perhaps when I retire,
I’ll dock at a nice sunny spot
near the shore.
But for now
the waves and sea storms for me—
the ups and downs,
the splashing crashing waves.
I’m surrounded by little rowboats and seagulls
but anchored in hope Lord,
because I’m anchored in Your love.
My first poetry book just arrived in the mail! It is dedicated in loving memory of my little daughter Josephine, whom I lost in labour almost two years ago. These poems chronicle my first year after her loss, my grief and love for my baby girl and also the hope I have of one day seeing her again.
Writing has been really therapeutic for me, and helped me give expression to the intense emotions that come with losing a little one. I want to share these poems with other families who have lost babies so that they would know that they are not alone…that others have experienced and survived such a loss.
I first thought of this project when talking to my friend Anne Schweitzer, who makes “Mother Mary Baskets” for bereaved moms. The baskets contain little comforts like bath salts, lip balm, chocolate, a fancy tea cup, etc as well as a few books on healing and hope after miscarriage. There are also special prayer cards, including one to your baby in Heaven. We thought it would be so nice to include some of my poems in the basket. Now I’ve been able to publish them in a little book, the kind you can carry in your purse and pull out to read in those quiet moments when you have time to release some of the sadness welling up inside.
Because my main goal is comforting other babyloss moms, every time a copy is sold, another will be donated to a bereaved family. I’d like to reach as many people as possible, so that instead of just an impersonal pamphlet from a hospital, bereaved moms could be given something special, something beautiful, something that honours their love and grief. I hope to donate copies to hospital chaplains, midwives, doctor’s offices, etc, as well as giving them to individual moms. It will be a thoughtful gift for people to give loved ones who lose a baby…something for them to give when they don’t know what to say themselves…
I want to thank my dear friend Rachel Lalonde, who really helped move this project along, taking care of all the technical details and keeping me on track. She also did the delicate rose photographs on the front and back covers which wrap my poems in beauty. I couldn’t have accomplished this without her! And also thank you to my brother Monti, who believed in the value of this little book so much he donated $100 towards the project when it was still just an idea. That very bill will soon be used to order copies to donate!
I’ll keep you posted once my book is available online via the publishing site Blurb, and in the mean time, for anyone near me who’d like a copy, be sure to let me know; when I do a bulk order I’ll be able to save you some shipping costs. It will be a joy to hand it to you!
Do we realize our immense dignity
as children of God?
That we are
with the coals of divine love
burning in our souls
as walking tabernacles
of the Holy Spirit?
Every touch, every gesture
should be one of love
as done by one bearing an immense treasure,
a wealth of gleaming gold
inside a simple earthen vessel.
How then our work can be an act of worship
done in union with God within us
with the delicacy of one in love.
May we glow with this warmth
bringing affection to all we encounter
and the joy of being children of God
ever in His presence.
Oh sweet relief! Love has triumphed!
No more has death the final word
It has become but a deep bow
In the dance of life
A last embrace
Leading into great light
Those who dwelt in darkness have seen a great light…Easter vigil with the kids is always a bit of an adventure, but it certainly makes Easter memorable! Seeing the Easter fire…entering the dark church led by the Easter candle, and slowly seeing the church lit up by tiny pools of candlelight near the joyful faces of each person, all holding their little beeswax candles. And of course, all accompanied by song. It’s something worth staying up for.
And after the solemn prayers of expectation, the great joy of Easter, a burst of brightness, and the choir proclaiming the resurrection to the sounds of ringing bells and exultant organ. It’s gorgeous, and festive and joyful. And after all this, there was a huge reception downstairs! The kids, excerpt my eldest who stayed awake the whole time, woke from their sleepy spots on their pews and had treats. What kid doesn’t love staying up late and eating chocolate! Happy Easter everyone!!
Just East Of Crazy Land 