My children seem to suffer from maternal teleflamesis…every time I get on the phone they burst into flame!
Maternal Teleflamesis
Tag: parenting
Woman: part, parcel, or person?
The other night after dinner I let my kids watch a bedtime movie so I could clean the kitchen. First we chose a Jim Carry comedy about a superhero, as the kids had heard it was really funny. I gave a hesitant ok and popped in and out of the living room to make sure it was suitable.
At a certain point there was scene in a lounge with a female singer in a sparkly dress “purring” a little to confidentially to the men in the audience. My 9 year old daughter said right away, “Mom, her dress is too short.” “Yeah, kinda more like pajamas,” I agreed. “She’s being inappropriate,” stated my 7 year old bluntly, as the woman continued in the manner of an overly friendly cat, rubbing up against people. “Let’s change it,” concluded my 9 year old. So we did.
Figuring it would be a safer bet, especially for the younger ones, we switched to a cartoon. An adventure story about archeologists. Surely this would be fine, right? Again I popped in and out to make sure while tidying the kitchen. I came in to the following scene:
A slightly nerdy looking guy, the main character, having a discussion with a slim woman with glasses and a pony tale. There was some dangerous adventure to be had, and he objected to her going alone. Then from the other room she asked if he was offering to come along. He hummed and hawed until she reappeared, now in her “archeology outfit” which consisted of little jean shorts and a small, revealing tank top. Her glasses were also removed. All his hesitation disappeared, and no surprise: of course, he was coming!
Perhaps kids won’t really notice this subtly sexual joke, likely put in there for the adults watching, but what message does it actually send to girls? Guys won’t be willing to make sacrifices for you because of your friendship or your brains, but you can be sure they’ll do anything for your boobs. Great! And we really think feminism has advanced so far…
Whether or not women’s bodies are being presented as sources of power and control over men (again, this is a manipulative rather than healthy message), the fact is what seems to matter about women is their parts…the pieces of their bodies that interest men. Perhaps brains are also presented as a good thing, but only as long as they come in a pretty package.
Parts. Packages. Juicy bits. What are we talking about here? Cars, internet bundles, steaks? Things. We are still talking about women as if they were things instead of people. This is objectification. Do we want our daughters to be objectified?
What really matters about women is that they are people, and like men, each one of them is unique, irreplaceable, and worthy of love and respect. Tell me Hollywood, when are you going to grow up enough to share this message? It is one of true beauty and of hope for relationships that actually respect each person as a person, and just not a set of spare parts to be used for fun…until a better model comes along.
Love Rebel: Reclaiming Motherhood
I am so excited to announce that my first book, with four other awesome women writers, is about to be published!
This beautiful labour of love (sorry for the birthing pun!) started with a spark of friendship that caught fire a few summers ago, when my friend Laura’s cousin Roberta Cottam, now a close friend of mine, first came to my mom’s group. We were discussing the importance of spending time on our artistic pursuits, even as busy moms…how spending time on things that make your soul happy and stimulate your mind is actually good for your whole family. A happy fulfilled woman is a happy fulfilled wife and mother.
This was a huge point of connection for Roberta (artist, writer, designer) and me (writer and photographer) and began a series of great conversations about the topic. We both felt that our spiritual lives and our artistic output were very connected, and encouraged each other to deepen both. This book is one of the fruits!
It also came about because of another very good friend, Monique Leblanc, who had inspired me to start blogging about a year earlier. I found her blog so genuine, funny and refreshing that I decided to start blogging myself. I liked that her writing was so real…you felt like you were having tea with a dear friend…rather than remaining an aquaintence who is only shown all the pretty bits…it was the opposite of contrived. I connected with joyful Melanie Jean Juneau and fun-loving Bonnie Way online through blogging and mutual friends, and when we began the book project, Bonnie invited her good friend Monique Les to join in as well.
So five moms, five bloggers, five friends, brought together through the passionate work of Roberta Cottam and designer Laura Wrubleski (http://www.visualaura.net/), have resulted in an anthology which I hope will encourage and inspire many mothers in the beautiful and worthwhile vocation of raising the future citizens of the world (yup, I mean being a mom!). Look for it soon on Amazon in print or as an e-book!
Curl Up With Me
There are days when everything feels like so much
and I hide from You, Lord,
thinking I have nothing good to say about all this
and can’t deal with anyone else.
But when I hide under the covers
seeking the solitude of sleep,
I discover You there,
waiting like a loyal, warm cat
ready to just curl up and be with me.
And then I open the eyes of my heart a little
and start to see you everywhere…
in a single star in the early evening sky
in the eternal beauty of a long low bank of gray clouds on the horizon
in the tiny green shoots of sweet peas bravely emerging from the soil
and in the purple blossom of my flowering Josephine plant
saying, “I am here, I am here.”
Frootloops for Once
Some days
when you’ve been up and down all night
with coughing kids,
giving medicine and fruit smoothie,
rubbing Vicks on hot little backs,
tucking and retucking in,
the only thing to do
when they mysteriously get up extra early,
before the decent hour of 7 am,
is to start the day afresh
with Frootloops for once—
very healthy with all that ‘froot’—
and “The best breakfast ever,”
according to my three year old.
Maybe smiling will help the bad bugs go away.
Quotes from the Peanut Gallery
Here are some quirky quotes from the peanut gallery.
Dancing
4 year old: “Can you dance like me?”
3 year old: “No, I can dance like myself.”
Bugs
4 year old: “Hey! The spider I was catching got away. And he didn’t even leave footprints!”
4 year old: “This woodbug is going to be my real pet. I’ll call him Bubsy. Actually, no, Twinkle.”
Potty Training
Me: “You go pee, honey, like a big girl.”
3 year old: “Yeah, I’m a big girl now. I’m going to peep.”
Me: “After your turn I’ll go pee too.”
3 year old: “Yeah, you’re big, too…like a giant, or a mom, or a dad, or a fire worker, or a vampire…actually, no, not a vampire…I was just pretending that you’re big.”
Biology
6 year old: “Why is grandpa lying down?”
Me: “He has a sore back…his sciatic nerve is giving him trouble, like I have when I’m pregnant.”
6 year old: “But Grandpa’s not pregnant.”
Me: “Nope!”
4 year old: “That’s cause babies don’t like boys, only mommies.”
Mothers of the world, unite!
I’ve just spent the weekend immersed in inspiring talks from an online conference for moms and what struck me most as a common theme was the need to support and encourage each other. A kind of professional solidarity, but without the competitive spirit. More like a sisterhood of moms.
In order to live this, we need to set aside our performance anxiety and quit comparing ourselves to other moms. It is not a competition.
How much grief we could spare ourselves and others if we let this need to measure up go. If we instead tried to really believe that we are enough for our kids, and that’s all that matters. They are a gift, and they were given to us for a reason, because of all the women in the history of the world, only we are meant to be their mother.
In other words, we don’t have to earn the right to their love. We should, of course, do all in our power to love them, but knowing that our brokenness is simply part of being human, and that they weren’t meant to be raised by angels. Angels wouldn’t know how to teach them to be human: to struggle, to make mistakes, to sacrifice, to forgive.
If we could quit trying to outperform ourselves and others, we could be more open to responding to other moms as friends, as sisters who share a common life. We could stop being afraid to be vulnerable with each other. And in this atmosphere of support, of friendship, even of encouraging mentorship, we could grow…far more than in a place of isolation, comparison and fear.
So I challenge you all to take a moment to reflect on how you support the other mothers in your life right now. Do you call them just to check in? Do you do little kind deeds for them just to make them smile? Do you make time to listen when they need a heart-to-heart? And above all, are you brave enough to be vulnerable with them, thereby giving them the freedom to be authentic with you as well?
This is what friendship is, and this is what all moms, and in fact all people, need. It think when it comes down to it we all share the common goal of making the world a better place for our children, and a better place because of our children. How about supporting each other in it? If we do, we can bring each other such joy!
Mothers of the world, unite!
How I attended a conference while cleaning my bathroom…
I’ve been having a great time today listening to talks on my iPad from the free online Catholic conference for moms…while folding laundry, cooking dinner, and yes, even cleaning the bathroom..my evening office! 😉 It’s like having awesome, interesting friends over for coffee to keep you company while you go about your work.
I highly recommend this encouraging conference for moms, which still has three days left. The theme is “Beyond Survival, Into Revival.” Once you register with your email, you’ll be sent the link and password to the talks for that day. Then you just watch whichever ones you like, when you like that day.
So here are few quick notes I jotted down after I finished scrubbing the bathtub…while speakers on my iPad cheered me on from the bathroom stool! 😉 Just to give you an idea of a few of the talks..these aren’t comprehensive.
“Nothing steals a mom’s joy more than comparison.” Stephanie Wood Weinart.
I loved Stephanie’s talk about the three things that rob mothers of joy: comparing ourselves to other moms, isolating ourselves, and getting addicted to the internet as a form of escape.
She stressed the importance of accepting ourselves as we are, as the ones God chose to raise our kids, without beating ourselves up with self-doubt. She also encouraged us to pray for close, supportive friendships from a few fellow moms who can be our kindred spirits, the ones we lean on. And finally she reminded us of the joyful freedom that comes from putting away our smartphones and really playing with our children, looking into their eyes and rejoicing in them.
Sherry Antonetti spoke on the question “What is a mom?” She said the essence is loving people. Yes, there’s endless work but it’s not a sacrifice to be surrounded by people who love you. Don’t be burdened by the minutiae or the isolation, or become a taskmaster.
Reach out, spend time with your kids, ‘waste time’ with them ‘waste time’ with God. Put those things on your to do list. Waste time taking kids to the park, reading them books or painting your daughters’ toenails…it means the world to them because you are spending time with them. At the end of the day, those “wasted” moments are the real measure of success.
Mary Stanford spoke on the theology of the body, and the importance of being truly present to each other. She said the body is a gift which represents the presence of our person. It’s a bit like the way the bringing cookies to someone represents our friendship, being a physical embodiment of a spiritual reality.
We come to truly know ourselves only in relationship to others. When we reveal our inner selves to those we love, we come to know who we truly are. This kind of deep self-revelation can only really be done in person, and helps prevent objectifying others.
Don’t let electronic deceives remove your presence from those you’re actually physically with, the ones God has placed by your side. Be an example to your kids of being present, looking in their eyes, truly listening with your whole body, and not while half scrolling the latest Facebook feed.
The body is like a moral thermometer…while not the source of shame, it is the place shame is expressed, for example by blushing. It is where we feel if something is right or wrong. When people communicate primarily on social media, they can’t read the cues on other people’s body’s, and trample through delicate matters without realizing. That’s why young people share intimate things online, or bully others as they wouldn’t in person. It’s as if their moral sensor is turned off. To mature and develop ourselves, we need to have friendships where we see people face to face.
Overall I was very happy with these great talks and with my day, and felt encouraged that besides some cleaning and homeschooling, I also “wasted” time in laughing with my kids, playing outside with them and reading lots of Narnia before bed. Hope you’ll join the conference tomorrow (and until Monday) and be encouraged that you, too, despite all your struggles, are a great mom. 🙂
The Catholic Conference for Moms
If you miss some talks, or want to later share them with friends or a mom’s group, you have the option of buying the conference package after, and using the code “Crazyland” will get you $10 off. I’m definitely planning to get it myself, because I think these short talks will be perfect for discussion at my parish mom’s group.
Homeschooling Keeps Siblings Close
One of the nice things about homeschool is that you can always be with your favourite “friends.” Everybody, no matter how big or small or imaginary, is included.
One of my favourite things about having the 5 kids learning at home is how close they are…and how the kids of difference ages interact, include and care for each other. They are not artificially separated into age groups and a myriad of separate activities, so they don’t forget how to play together. Many homeschool activities can be done together, like reading and discussing stories, learning about things from animals to waterfalls, doing art, putting on plays, singing, dancing, doing nature walks and running outside.
Nor do the kids get easily bored. They are quite happy to turn the living room into a giant block tower and Duplo city while I get the dishes done. Or to build endless forts with blankets and upturned furniture. Of course all this teamwork means there is also an organized team effort to drive me crazy, but happily I’ve already been crazy for a long time! Comes with the territory! 😉
Choosing Happiness
Recently my dear friend Natalie from Chicago came for a quick visit, as she was back home for her grandmother’s funeral. Her presence was like a sweet breeze from the Windy City. She brought a little pot of cheerful daffodils to brighten my table. I got florally spoiled! It was a gift to be able to see her, and have a heart-to-heart talk while the kids played at the park. A moment of happiness I will cherish for a long time.
I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately, and how necessary it is to choose it. Not just as a lifetime hope, but moment to moment. Choosing to embrace each good moment that comes, choosing to smile, to dance with the kids, to laugh when they tell me funny little things, to savour each time they hug or play together well. Tonight we had homemade pizza. “We’re having a nice lifetime,” said my four year old,”This is the best pizza ever!”
I have to see each of these moments as gifts, despite the underlying ache for my little lost daughter, who is busy painting Heaven’s clouds pink with her rosy cheeks. She would want me to be a happy mother who is present to her children, who is affectionate and fun, who is able to enjoy her children and to apologize when she loses her cool.
We can choose to see life as meaningful gift, painful but precious, or as a terrible burden, fraught with danger. But how would the latter help us? To be paralyzed by fear is to refuse to live. And we must live and love, even as the sun must rise, because that’s what we’re meant to do.
Who among us is without pain? We have all suffered in one way or another…
Yet we still have the ability to choose happiness. The longing in our hearts for truth, goodness and beauty is there because those things exist, and we are meant to possess them.
“The essence of greatness is having the heart of a child,” quoted James Stenson in a parenting talk. I think this is also a choice: to let sadness wither you up and go grey inside, letting yourself become even internally old, or to choose youth—hope, joy, simplicity, trust, laughter—for to embrace life is to be young.
This is not a choice we make only once, for we are so changeable, like the shadows of leaves dancing on a windy day…it is a choice we have to make again and again, every time an opportunity comes to enjoy life, to be silly, to dance, to relish a conversation with a dear friend, to bask in the sunlight that pours down on us.
If we refuse the joy of those moments, because the pain of deep old scars that still throb, we are being like the child who refuses to get over her tantrum because one toy broke, even when she is offered many others. It’s really easy to be that kind of child, but we have to remember the resilience of children who seek joy in each new day, who get excited about little things, who are easily pleased by small shows of affection.
All the daily blessings we receive, all of those good moments, are caresses from God’s hands, and a sign that He is with us, despite life’s struggles. Say yes to them. Say yes to Him. Say thank you. We are in bigger, better hands than our own, and only in them can we truly live as children who know how to trust and rejoice, despite the tears that also come.
As I’m trying to take my own advice, here’s some photo’s of me being a kid on my retreat at Loon Lake, climbing about in the woods and getting wet pulling a raft across the lake. Felt like I was 12 again. Was great!
Just East Of Crazy Land 