A Small Zoo (revisited)

Here is my first ever blog post, shared with you again after about eight years! I recently used it for a writing assignment about animals, even though it was kind of cheating…this zoo is full of animal-like creatures…but none is actually furry or feathered!

Hope you enjoy it (again, for the handful of you who have been with my in Crazy Land from the beginning)!

Living in a house with five young children is much like running a small zoo, full of exotic birds and monkeys who are liable to climb everything, and constantly build themselves habitats all over that seldom-seen thing called “floor.”

The clever chimpanzees create modern art pieces with supplies like to finger-paint and spaghetti sauce—any surface is a suitable canvas, from walls to couch covers. Ever innovative, they can turn toilet paper and bath water into paper-mâché tile art. Don’t be surprised to find a small one bathing in the bathroom sink, making steam art on the mirror, or having a healthy snack of toddler toothpaste. 

There is always something fun to do, such as scatter puzzle pieces around the confines like wood chips, or paint boxes with the smallest monkey’s diaper cream.

All these endeavors make the animals extremely hungry, so there are frequent feeding frenzies. The feeding area is swarmed with little birds chirping “Me! Me! Me!” and there is no silence until all the feeding dishes are filled with animal crackers and other suitable snacks. 

If the offering is deemed worthy, the birdsong “More! More,” will be heard; however, if the animals are unsatisfied with their rations, they will resort to scowls, whines, and barking, sometimes followed by the tipping over of said feeding dishes, or worse: the use of a dish as a small missile, hopefully in the direction of the floor rather than the zookeeper’s head. The baby hippo often gets so messy that it is placed immediately in the wading pool, where it gets a thorough scrub.

After their meal, the animals usually head off to the recreation area to engage in elaborate displays of beauty, strength and agility, including leaping off the furniture while adorned in princess feathers, or circling about repeatedly in brightly patterned skins that would camouflage them in a tropical coral bed. Like chameleons on hyper-speed, they are liable to change their skins every five minutes, scattering colorful heaps about the confines.

We won’t go into a discussion of the animals’ bathroom habits, for their lack of refinement in areas of toilet training, their parading about without proper rear covers, and their enjoyment in leaving surprise droppings and puddles for the zookeeper would be thoroughly reprehensible if they were not such small animals.

It is with great relief that the zookeeper puts them all in their cages for the night, with the blissful thought that at least for several hours, no little creatures will be burrowing about the living room in blanket tunnels, or scattering paw covers outside until the zoo’s garden becomes an Easter egg hunt for missing shoes. 

How peaceful and sweet the fuzzy beasts seem, with their limbs flung out in the abandon of sleep, and their little purrs and dreamy sighs…

You might think that the evening would bring peace and quiet to the zoo and rest to the zookeeper, but don’t forget one important thing: night watch; after all, many animals are nocturnal!

Family Day Fail, or “I’d rather eat noodles”

The other day we went to the park for Family Day; it was damp and chilly. The sun hid behind a massive grey cloud, despite the deceptive blue sky. Baby was not impressed.

“What are we doing out here?”
“Is this supposed to be fun?”

Eventually we gave up trying to stay warm enough and went home for tea. After a big nap in his cosy blanket in the stroller, our little one felt much better, and ate his noodle soup with gusto.

“I’d rather be eating noodles.”
“Good to the last drop.”

The End of the World

A little vignette about bedtime…

She knew it might be bad, but she hadn’t expected it to be this bad. It wasn’t like she had done it violently or without warning. Nevertheless, it had plunged her daughter into the depths of despair.

“I will never eat again!” she declared, lower lip trembling as her eyes began to redden.

“That’s too bad; you’ll get pretty hungry.”

“I won’t open my presents. I won’t come to Easter or Christmas.”

“Really? How sad. That’s a lot to give up.”

“I won’t ever let you help me!” she threw out this statement like a well-aimed spear, sure it would conquer her enemy and bring victory.

“You’re only hurting yourself, babe,” her mother deflected the spear with a shield of serenity. “I’m sorry you’re so sad.”

The girl thrust out her jaw and glowered up at her mother with narrowed eyes.

“I’m not sad, I’m angry!”

“Ok, I’m sorry you’re angry, then. But why don’t you go up to bed, honey? It’s time to sleep.”

“I will never sleep. I will just stand by my bed with my eyes open. I will never shut my eyes again!”

“Oh, really?” the woman sighed. Determination was a great trait. To be sure it had helped her daughter finish the steep, two hour hike up the mountain with her Dad the other day, chattering the whole way up. But when it was bedtime, determination to have one’s own way was a distinct disadvantage in a child of three.

“Sweetie, you can play more Reading Eggs tomorrow. I had to turn it off ‘cause it was 9:30. Now it’s 10:15. You have to sleep.”

“I will never sleep!”

The woman rubbed her head and sighed. You can’t fight crazy. She climbed into bed and nursed her baby to sleep. Eventually, the war-weary toddler climbed in under the blankets and hid. That way no one would see her eyes close.

Toddler Security Services: Your Isolation Solution!

Stress got ya down? Toddler Security Services is your solution to feeling safe all the time!

Here at T.S.S., we offer:

24/7 Surveillance. Don’t worry; day or night, we are ALWAYS watching you.

  • Z.P.S. Zero personal space. There’s literally no where you can go without us!
  • Sonic Boom Alarm System: no alarm is louder than ours! It’s ear-piercingly effective in obtaining immediate assistance. Friendly Staff. You will love us, and we will love you! In fact, being smothered with affection is the only “danger” at T.S.S.!Affordability. We have very flexible payment plans, and accept all cookies, candies, pancakes and mini-yogurts. We even accept hugs.

    So what are you waiting for? Sign up and get your own personal security assistant today from Toddler Security Services! T.S.S.: your isolation solution! Never feel alone again (whether you like it or not)!

    Some days

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    Spread far and wide

    And though I’ve tried

    My patience fails

    My heart, it quails

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    The toddler roars

    And slams the door

    He lets me know

    Who runs the show

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    The baby cries

    The empress queen

    Will be obeyed

    Or price be paid

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    I’m losing sleep

    And with is goes

    All the wisdom

    That I know

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    Chalk in the sink

    Paint on the floor

    Stamps on the wall

    Pens on the door

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    My mind forgets

    My plans do fail

    Behind me lies

    A messy trail

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    Mistakes rubbed in

    Do sink my heart

    Under their weight

    I fall apart

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin

    I write this poem

    Take refuge in

    The secret world

    I hide within

    Some days

    Stretched thin

    My heart, my skin