Remember

Here is a poem I wrote last year, before I started my blog. I stumbled upon it and thought I’d share it with you now, as the growing warmth of the sun is hopefully bringing up happy childhood memories of summer in all of us.

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Remember

I remember sprawling in the grass
in my shorts and t-shirt
making a perfect imprint of myself in the ground
seven years old and utterly at home
as the afternoon sun pulsed red
through my closed eyes

Nothing but the singing of birds
and whisper of butterfly wings in my ears
no thoughts
nothing beyond the moment
perfectly content

Now I’m thirty-two years old
and nine months pregnant
leaning back in my lawn chair
as my toddler snuggles in my lap
and gives me Eskimo kisses

Our resident hummingbird sings heartily
unphased by the vroom and bang
of townhouse construction next door

The faint familiar scent of cut plywood
wafts over the fence to blend with the smell of garden manure

My five year old feeds the chickens
one scrap at a time
and gives me a play by play:
“Rosie ate a piece of lettuce off Chickeny’s back
and the brown chickens are fighting over a tomato.”
“Mmmm…so funny,” I reply sleepily.

That same afternoon sun pulses down
red on my closed eyelids
and out of my mind
too tired for thoughts
begins to float poetry

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Photo Challenge: Cherry Blossom Child

Spring means kids confidently strolling ahead under the cherry blossoms…

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And moms dreamily distracted by the lush beauty above.

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Wishing you all a sweet spring!

Reveal Yourself and Be Loved

Our deepest fear is that if we reveal our true selves we will be rejected.

Our society encourages this anxiety by bombarding us with tons of glossy magazines claiming to have the secret to perfection: perfect beauty, perfect fitness, perfect diet, perfect relationships.

What message does this send? That if we fail to achieve these things, that’s what we are: failures. Unworthy of attention, unworthy of love.

So we feel the need to cover ourselves in layers of protection: foundation, mascara, blush, lipstick…if we had portable airbrushes we’d likely be constantly glossing ourselves over, too. Like a little magic force field to keep away judgement. (Friends who know I’ve never been much of a makeup girl will hopefully forgive me this cosmetic analogy!) We are afraid that if we let our weakness show through the cracks, we’ll be turned away. Not good enough. Alone.

In fact, this false veneer of perfection forms a wall that keeps others out. The pretence of having no real problems intimidates and alienates others, because everyone has some kind of struggle, and wants to be understood, not judged. Being unwilling to reveal ourselves to others makes us unsafe for others to be honest with us, and blocks the development of authentic friendship, which is based on loving acceptance and trust.

Instead of acknowledging our weaknesses and mistakes, and trying to improve and make amends, we deny them, suppress them, and inadvertently, trap them within ourselves. This makes us feel worse then ever. And carrying all this heavy baggage makes us even more afraid to be discovered. We are haunted by all the skeletons hidden in our closet, if you’ll forgive me the cliché. We become like Scrooge’s partner Marley, who is weighed down by the chains of his guilt for past mistakes. Having never acknowledged his faults and made amends, he is frozen in regret.

I always tell my kids that it’s better to be honest and admit they messed up, than to pretend they didn’t make a mistake. My three year old interprets this in a funny way sometimes:

Me: “Who cut a hole in this?”
Her: “Not me. It was my hand that did it with scissors.”
Me: “Can you please tell your hands not to do this again?”
Her: “It wasn’t the one hand–it was playing Lego–only the other hand.”
Me: “Well, you’re in charge so tell that hand not to do it again.”

It’s natural to deflect the blame, especially when you’re three, but the mature thing is to fess up.

Even though it’s humbling and hard, saying sorry it’s actually very freeing, both for ourselves and the one we apologize to. We can let go of guilt and they of resentment. Truth gives us a fresh start and wipes the slate clean: it is lies that trap us in chains. We have a hard time believing this, because our society can be very harsh and judgemental, and the media loves to glorify the gory details of people’s mistakes. Thank goodness I’m not famous and subject to that!

Sometimes we project our human pettiness onto the divine. We imagine some kind of Zeus waiting in the clouds, ready to zap us if we don’t hide under a bush after making a mistake. But I think this is our biggest mistake–not realizing that we can reveal our true selves and still be loved. That we can always start over again and again, and that the only real failure is giving up on ourselves.

For me, when I apologize after messing up, instead of a thunderbolt, I hear a gentle voice of love. Here’s my interior conversation:

Me: “Hi God. I’m sorry. I messed up again.”
God: “It’s ok, I know.”
Me: “I was trying but…I guess I’m still me, and I just manage to screw things up sometimes.”
God: “I know, and I’m still me, so I still love you.
Me: “Thanks for loving me no matter what. You are amazing.”
God: “And so are you. I made you remember? Don’t give up on yourself. I never have.”

I think if we can rest in the assurance of being loved exactly as we are, we can have the strength and hope to struggle to keep growing, and become even better. This is what true love is, what true friendship is: it inspires us to become the best person we can be. So listen to that cheesy eighties song, and let your true colours come shining through, cause they’re beautiful.

Happy Flowers and Cleaning Robots

One morning as I was busy cleaning the exploding house, my sweet 5 year old brought me a bouquet of homeade flowers. She said," Let's do nice things so we can have a happy day." I'm so lucky to have her!
One morning as I was busy cleaning the exploding house after a very busy weekend, my sweet 5 year old brought me a bouquet of homeade flowers. She said,” Let’s do nice things so we can have a happy day.” I’m so lucky to have her!

 

Aaah, housekeeping…you know when you’ve just mopped the floor, and then someone spills soup or juice all over it…or when you spent 10 minutes scrubbing the highchair and letting it dry in the sun, and after the next meal no one can tell? Well, ‘bean’ there, done that!

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Housekeeping can be overwhelming sometimes, but not as much when you don’t do it all alone. The other day the kids were into helping, so we all put on our aprons and got to business. It’s funny how if you say, “Let’s play house!” a chore becomes a game.

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Even the baby tried to help:

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My little homeschooler had a great idea as she helped with the dishes: “I’m going to be a cleaning robot who listens to all the mommies in the world and helps them.” Sounds good to me!

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Although they really like being involved with whatever I’m doing, they’re not always this cooperative, and the smaller ones usually enjoy dumping out the toy bins more than refilling them…but I’ll take every good day as a gift!

For a good post on kids and chores, check out my friend Monique Leblanc’s “The Last Time Change: Family, faith and moving to the prairie.”

http://thelasttimechange.blogspot.ca/2014/03/why-my-kids-do-chores.html

Let’s try that again! When baby presses publish…

Well, well, yesterday I broke my record for shortest post. A handful of words with a spelling mistake, and nothing more! This is because I was trying to multitask, as moms always do, and was blogging on the floor while my curious one year old tried to touch my iPad…and scared me into pressing “publish” by accident instead of “save draft,” before getting up to put my iPad away. So sorry to all my followers who received this weirdo post in their email inboxes!

What I meant to write about “brilliant yet simple parenting advice” (see my last post) was something like this:

Attention Modern Parents! The answer to all your woes is here! Would you like a simple way to advance your child’s social, intellectual and emotional development? Would you like them to be entertained for hours without your having to play clown? For them to learn their numbers, letters and colours with without you teaching them? For their speech and vocabulary to develop rapidly? For them to feel safe, happy and confident that they can contribute to the world?

Modern parents, ever concerned with their child keeping up with age-appropriate development, are salivating but clutching their wallets nervously. What could this secret solution be, and how much will it cost? Is it Baby Einstein DVDs, expensive preschool, private tutors for toddlers, a magic diet of organic seaweed? What could it be?!

The solution in fact is simple, natural, and fun to make.

It’s a sibling.

And if this seems too simple, here’s some photographic evidence:

First of all, despite excessive media paranoia about sibling jealousy, little kids naturally love babies, and therefore each other.

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Having siblings does a lot of good things in a simple way.

Stimulating the imagination and developing speech = playing puppets

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Encouraging them to observe their natural surroundings =
ants on the driveway are exciting when you look at them together

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Expressing emotion and developing socially = playing dress up

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Developing patience and delaying gratification =
waiting for your turn to ride the unicorn

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Promoting contentment and appreciation for simple pleasures =
an hour whips by when you have a box and a baby to play with

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Teaching responsibility and concern for others =
giving your baby brother a ride to the park

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Building confidence and a sense of worth =
I’m a big sister and can take care of the baby

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Promoting social development, building friendship and trust =
crossing the road together is safer and more fun

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Stimulating a love for learning = big sister plays teacher

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Kids pick up what’s around them so when they are surrounded with other little people they learn to speak, walk, sing ABC’s, count, dance, play, paint and draw without you as a parent even having to teach them. This has been my experience anyway. They also learn how to defend themselves, how to be loyal, and how to care for others. These are all great life skills, and hard to teach in a course.

So instead of frantically signing your kid up for Ferber, Gerber, Berber and every other new method that claims to be the magic solution for healthy development, how about signing them up for life by allowing them to experience the magic of family.

Besides, being the only can be lonely, especially when mom and dad are so busy taking care of things.

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And as one added bonus, although you may be tired at the end of the day, so are your little fairies, who have been running themselves ragged playing together all day. You can enjoy some blissful quiet time…perhaps reading, blogging, or just staring at them thinking how beautiful they are when asleep.

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Creative vs. Organized? Striving for a Balanced Character

As human beings we like things to be simple, so we like to give things labels, put them in tidy boxes, and decide what’s best…which camp we belong in, what type we are, and why it’s better that way.

We often use this tendency to justify our lopsided characters. For example:
“I’m creative, so I can’t be organized.”
“I’m a people person, so I can’t ever be alone.”
“I like to be spontaneous and think outside the box, so I can’t plan ahead or follow directions.”

The question is, while we all have certain strengths and weaknesses, do we really have to think about character traits in terms of incompatible opposites? Or can we attain some kind of balance? A harmony between different abilities that reflects the unique person we are…

It is this balance that I want to strive for in myself. I have tended to favour creativity over organization and the intellectual over the practical. In highschool my Mum used to call me the absent-minded professor. I could get lots of A’s but couldn’t keep my room clean and could write poetry but was awful at paperwork.

It was pretty easy to justify these things…as in the examples above: “I’m too creative to be organized.” But the thing is, what if I had tried harder to gain those skills I found so difficult or repugnant? What if I had forced myself to plan ahead a little more, set goals, follow though, etc? Gaining greater self-control though more organization would actually have enabled me to achieve a lot more creatively.

For example, you have to mail your great work of literature to a potential publisher for it to reach the world, so not only creativity and passion are needed but also envelope and stamp. Or at least the discipline and guts to hit send on your query email. So while we often like to think of artists as crazy, passionate, or extreme, I think it actually takes some balance of character traits to achieve greatness. Not being able to find your keys on a regular basis doesn’t help you be more creative or successful, unless you are trying to make rather ugly modern art by throwing all your stuff around your house as you dig for them.

During university my husband, then fiancé, and I were briefly hooked on a video game, The Sims, in which you create characters and build their houses, careers, friendships, etc. Kind of a really fancy way to play house…and escape the pressure of studying! 😉

I always made my people very nice, but left too few character blocks to fill with other virtues like cleanliness. So I ended up with friendly characters with ok jobs who left empty cans of beans on the floor and attracted flies!

My husband made characters with ambition and order, who had gorgeous houses and careers, but would sometimes drive guests away through social faux-pas.

I guess our characters needed the traits of the other to balance each other out. Maybe they should have married each other, as we did in real life!

It seems we need what we tend to see as opposing character traits: to be both responsible and outgoing, focused and friendly, but we are all are weaker in some things than others. It takes a lot of effort to overcome these weaknesses, but “upgrading” our characters has the wonderful payoff of making us both happier and more successful.

What character trait would you like to improve on? How could you be a better, more balanced you? With a little step at a time, and a lot of good humour and hope, we can all grow, so never give up reaching for the person you want to be, while still loving the one you are.

A Joyful Day: Bussing with Kids

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Today as I was riding the bus with the kids I struck up a conversation with an older gentleman sitting next to me. It was a gorgeous March day, full of the smell of blossoms and the tentative warmth of the newly emerging spring sunshine.

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“So did you order the weather?” I asked.

After a few pleasantries about the beautiful day, how spoiled we are on the west coast, and what an amazingly diverse city we live in, he turned and smiled at the kids. One in the stroller, more on seats, one in the snuggly on my chest.

“You’ve got your hands full.”

“Yes, I admit I do!” I laughed, having heard this phrase countless times before.

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But then the elderly gentleman surprised me. He followed this banal, overused cliché with one of the nicest things anyone has said to me about parenting.

“But every day is a joy,” he said in the voice of one who remembers.

“It’s so true. They say so many funny things, and are always making tons of cute pictures just for me, and are all amazing.”

I can’t express how much his comment made my day. How that simple phrase affirmed that life is beautiful and worth living. How it pointed out that there is joy in giving, joy in loving, joy in sharing life in a family.

How despite things sometimes being a crazy zoo, full of shrieks and laughter and chaos, running over with spilled juice and bath water, and littered with stickers and Cheerios that stick to my socks (try that for fun!), life in a big family is a beautiful thing, and each day is a joy.

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Images of Silence

I.
The still water reflects the beauty of the sky
gorgeous billows of blue-tipped clouds
The rippling water has a busy beauty of it’s own
but takes all the attention for itself

Sometimes the noise of so much chatter
(mostly my own)
becomes like a wind which

blows out my interior candle

I need some silence
some still air
to let the flame rekindle
to warm the ember to a steady glow
burn brightly enough to heat me
from the inside out
light streaming forth
my eyes as stained glass
shining

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II.
The still morning lake
sits silent
grey and reflective
full of slightly fuzzy trees
solemnly upside down
green but not laughing

The majestic cedar trees
wave their thin green hands
ever so slightly
like ancient queens
acknowledging their people
who celebrate with the sudden confetti
of falling snow

Down below, the dew-spangled moss twinkles
and the ferns bow their heads shyly
Slippery salaal leaves shine
next to delicate huckleberry bushes
not yet adorned with tiny red berries

I’ll have to come back
in the summer

In the mean time
all these pieces of beauty
fill up the puzzle of my soul

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III.
Sitting here in the quiet chapel with
tall windows like eyes into the forest
I watch the snow fall against the cedars
like mercy from heaven
a gentle steady blessing
a constant message of beauty
a gift from one greater
ever reaching towards me
I am here I am here I am here

The snow falls
and my sleeping baby
breathes warmly on my chest
The candles glow
and the lake calmly receives
the many kisses of snowflakes

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Opa the Coffee King

How do you know you’re a coffee wimp (like me) instead of an afficionado? When you drink it for various reasons other than enjoyment of the coffee taste. And perhaps can’t stand it black.

As a teenager I thought it smelled so gross I made a bet with a true afficianado, my Dutch step-dad Rob, that I wouldn’t drink any coffee until after graduation. Coffee is a sacred morning ritual for him…perfect preparation of the perfect cup…and the ongoing quest for the best bean..despite all this I held out and won my $100!

But now I drink coffee for three reasons: cream, sugar and caffeine. And kids! Helps me keep up with the little monkeys…my kids have told me in the past, “Mom, maybe you need a coffee to feel better.” You said it honey!

One of my daughters likes to share a sip of my afternoon coffee, with plenty of milk of course.

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I like to call it “cheerfulness in a cup.” That little boost to get your day started when you feel like you’re wading through the morning fog in your head, or to pick you up after the afternoon slump, when you have fallen asleep reading the kids stories on the couch, or on some days, when you need your caffeinated buddy to cook dinner with you and make it to bed time. For many parents, as my dear friends say, “Coffee is purely medicinal.”

Because of this, I’m willing to drink it pretty much any way, except black, which makes for interesting experiences when I’ve run out of milk. I’ve had coffee:

With strawberry soy milk (barf!)
With Reece Pieces ice cream (yum, in a strange, ice cream float way…)
With powdered milk (meh!)
With canned coconut milk (ick!)

And all this for someone who used to be a barista!! I can see your heads shaking in dismay…

Although I admit I have found one coffee I like for it’s taste, Starbucks medium Kenya blend. And any coffee that Rob makes tastes good, because he has that magic touch.

The thing is, that the way my step-dad makes coffee–heating the thick cups so they’ll keep the coffee warm, measuring carefully, pouring slowly, lovingly cleaning his espresso machine every day–reflect the artistry and patience of a true craftsman, and the sincere belief that if you’re going to do something, you should do it right.

This attitude imbues his whole life, and as a result he has done many things very, very well, and created a lot of beauty. The same hands that make the perfect cup of coffee have made beautiful houses, films, clothing and most remarkably, miniature steam trains that really work.

I admire him a lot, and as today is his birthday, want to wish him, my children’s wonderful Opa, “Haartelijk Gefelicteerd!” And may you make many more beautiful cups of coffee before you run out of steam! 🙂