Going to your apartment shortly after you died
I gather your important papers,
the things I’ll need to help take care of everything for you,
but I don’t want to touch anything else
or unsettle your calmly organized cupboards
covered with labels in your sweet hand:
“Tea,” Spices,” “Cups,” “Bowls.”
My sweetest scatterbrain Dad,
who worked so heroically hard this past year
—reading Marie Kondo and likely highlighting half the pages—
to make everything organized for me
because you knew you were dying
even when I couldn’t let myself believe it.
To me your home feels like a shrine
a testament to all the things you did last—
where you hung your bathrobe, your plaid shirt,
the dirty baseball cap that you’d wear doing carpentry in my garage.
I want to hug everything—
the blankets and sweaters that smell like you—
but don’t want to take anything
except the fancy grapefruit spoons with jagged little edges,
tiny teeth which I used to scoop out that half kiwi
which you allowed me to feed you slowly
your last week at home,
and that little quarter of yellow mango,
your baby bird diet
which I desperately hoped would somehow sustain you
when your body was too tired to eat
and your soul was ready to surrender.
These little grapefruit spoons
I tuck in my purse
and flee your empty apartment
where I wish you would come back
and let me feed you again.
