- You find staring at your newborn while he sleeps more amusing and fulfilling than watching a movie.
- Your living room slow-dance partner is about 25-30 years younger than you and your main goal is getting him to sleep.
- Alone time means three minutes to yourself in the bathroom, before a tiny person comes to bang on the door, file a complaint, or shove their latest drawing under the door to show you because it just can’t wait!
- You worry Nike will sue you for copyright infringement if you use the word ‘just’ one more time (“Just eat your food!” “Just go to bed!” “Just get off the table!” “Just clean your room!” “Just stop hitting your sister!”).
- You get told more stories and given more artwork than you know what to do with, and you find it charming to be portrayed as a vegetable if drawn so by your 4 year old.
- You feel like bursting into song when you get in the shower, “Halellujah!” but are likely to be interrupted by emergencies…”Mom, Mom! Guess what?” “What? I can’t hear you! I’m in the shower!” “We did made a ….and it’s really…..in the living room!” “What! You made what in the living room?” “A ….” Turn off shower. Shiver. “What?” “We made a really cool fort in the living room! Come see!” “Oh! Please try to not interrupt unless it’s an emergency. I’ll see it after my shower.” Turn on shower. Sigh. Sing some more.
- Your idea of getting dolled up is putting in face cream and lip gloss.
- Your favourite new shoes are your sheepskin slippers.
- You’ve used rainbow loom elastics as hairties.
- You are the source of all wisdom for your kids, and have to answer all life’s deepest questions, but have the short term memory of a goldfish…”Now where did I leave my keys??”
Tag: babies
Baby Love
A lot of people worry about sibling jealousy when a new baby comes. I have found that babies bring a lot of joy and help the other kids feel a sense of importance because they are able to help out. If you’re not convinced, the proof’s in the pictures….the only jealousy we have here is over whose turn it is to hold the baby next! 👭👶🏼👭
Midnight Stroll
Just when lights go out
you open your eyes
and decide it’s time
for a midnight stroll.
We saunter about the kitchen
as you stare out from the blanket bundle
with your little wise old elf face.
You wrinkle your tiny forehead
and furrow your almost invisible eyebrows,
looking about quizzically as you ponder some deep truth
until the rapid flutter of your tongue
through pursed lips reveals your babyness
phantom nursing…
You were just spacing out
and daydreaming of milk after all.
awake
In the dim, dark house
the furnace rumbles and blows
breathy hellos into the corner of each room.
In this airy darkness
I try to lie still
while my toddler—
having made his nocturnal migration
into my bed—
sleeps beside me.
The baby in my belly wiggles
and flutters,
hoping for a snack.
Such a boy…
not yet born
and already wanting breakfast before dawn.
What it’s like to be pregnant after losing a baby.
I’ve been keeping this sitting in my heart for a while, so you could say this post has been a long time in coming. As you can guess from the title, for those of you who don’t already know, I am expecting a baby this November, after having lost my little Josephine in labour last September 30th. It is hard. Beautiful but hard.
I’m normally one to be on the phone with mom buddies the second the little plus sign shows up on the pregnancy test, but this time I’ve been much more hesitant to talk about things. My usual excitement has been tempered by the confusing feelings of having lost my last child, and not knowing how to experience a simple, trusting hope that everything will be fine.
I do hope and trust, but in a more complex and nuanced way. Not in the way of thinking things will always turn out how I want them to. But hoping in a plan that’s bigger than mine, a vision far wiser and more encompassing than mine. In a love stronger than death, knowing that no matter what, I can never truly be separated from my babies.
Sometimes children are so wise. My five year old told me, “Don’t worry, Mummy. Either the new baby will come be with us, or will go be with Josephine in Heaven. So it’s ok.” What strength and clarity of vision!
It is hard to take this risk again—the risk that I might not see my baby smile or breathe until I meet him in Heaven—but it is a way of affirming that I am still alive, still have hope, still believe in goodness in a world where hard things also happen. Besides, the only way to ensure my heart could never be broken again would be to stop it pumping, but risking brokenness is essential to being open to life and to love. It’s part of the fragile thing called being human.
Several of my close friends have lost babies and have been able to have one after. Those babies are a beacon of hope for me. I rejoice in each one of them. I realize they are miracle and a free a gift, rather than a right. We think we have so many rights, but we forget that people can only come to us as gift, in the freedom of love.
I also rejoice in the children I do have, just seeing them running around full of life, dancing and laughing, and I think to myself, “They made it. That incredible journey…like little travellers from a far off planet, they made it through the epic journey of the few inches from womb to world, and arrived home.”
So as November approaches, please keep me in your prayers. Especially my little one, that he may arrive safely into his mama’s arms, and that this time, my tears will be of joy. And for all of you who are in the same boat, know my heartfelt prayers are with you as well.
Love Rebel: Reclaiming Motherhood
I am so excited to announce that my first book, with four other awesome women writers, is about to be published!
This beautiful labour of love (sorry for the birthing pun!) started with a spark of friendship that caught fire a few summers ago, when my friend Laura’s cousin Roberta Cottam, now a close friend of mine, first came to my mom’s group. We were discussing the importance of spending time on our artistic pursuits, even as busy moms…how spending time on things that make your soul happy and stimulate your mind is actually good for your whole family. A happy fulfilled woman is a happy fulfilled wife and mother.
This was a huge point of connection for Roberta (artist, writer, designer) and me (writer and photographer) and began a series of great conversations about the topic. We both felt that our spiritual lives and our artistic output were very connected, and encouraged each other to deepen both. This book is one of the fruits!
It also came about because of another very good friend, Monique Leblanc, who had inspired me to start blogging about a year earlier. I found her blog so genuine, funny and refreshing that I decided to start blogging myself. I liked that her writing was so real…you felt like you were having tea with a dear friend…rather than remaining an aquaintence who is only shown all the pretty bits…it was the opposite of contrived. I connected with joyful Melanie Jean Juneau and fun-loving Bonnie Way online through blogging and mutual friends, and when we began the book project, Bonnie invited her good friend Monique Les to join in as well.
So five moms, five bloggers, five friends, brought together through the passionate work of Roberta Cottam and designer Laura Wrubleski (http://www.visualaura.net/), have resulted in an anthology which I hope will encourage and inspire many mothers in the beautiful and worthwhile vocation of raising the future citizens of the world (yup, I mean being a mom!). Look for it soon on Amazon in print or as an e-book!
Little Souls Like Shooting Stars
All this pain, Lord
all these broken hearts
broken open and flowing with beauty
Heaven escaping like steam from the geysers of love
that rush out of these parents’ broken hearts
2.6 million a year stillborn….
An overwhelming quiet
A heart stopping silence
Why is it that we must be broken to become more beautiful?
To finally reach out and connect
to honour each other’s pain
to realize each person is precious
and irreplaceable?
How mysterious this growing in love
that in losing the ones we love most
we become more loving
that in suffering we become more divine
just as You became human
to suffer with us
that we should never
no matter what
feel alone
Living in pain
we no longer live for ourselves
but for those we long for
and for those who are also broken by yearning
for little ones lost too soon
Our life is gift
and it is meant to be fruitful
We are not here for ourselves
but for others
to hold each other up with webs of love and hope
sparkling with dew-like tears
Above in the sky
a sound like thunder
a thousand angels’ wings
accompanying with solemn joy
the little souls who enter Heaven like shooting stars
and light up the sky
Never to fade
never to disappear
a light in the heavens always
Unique
irreplaceable
individuals
who will inspire us forever
Let us all become saints
so we can join them one day
and shed light into the shadows of a suffering world
Honouring International Bereaved Mother’s Day
May 3rd is international bereaved Mother’s Day. It is an important and beautiful opportunity to acknowledge all the mothers around the world who have suffered loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, child loss or painful struggles with infertility.
It is a chance to share grief and hope, to reach out and be vulnerable, to connect, to encourage, and to honour the women whose mother’s hearts are suffering deeply.
Every baby is, in the words of Still Life Canada, “a unique and irreplaceable individual.” It is fitting that we honour their passing with our whole hearts. Sometimes sharing your grief is the first step to allowing others to share theirs, too, and beginning to heal. Let’s break the silence with gentle words of love. 
Also, the Mothering Your Heart program is a lovely way to connect with other bereaved moms, be encouraged and supported in your journey of grief and healing. There is a Facebook page to share with other moms if you like, and a series of helpful emails you can receive each day leading up to Mother’s Day, with gentle ideas on self-care and nurturing your wounded heart, honouring your baby and seeking the stillness in which to discover the still, small voice of hope…. 
Wishing you all peace, strength, healing and hope…
With all my heart,
Anna
Mummy of Josephine, my little star in Heaven
My Penny is Worth a Million Bucks
Some people think they know about pennies…
shiny bright little things that make children happy
and help them dream dreams of being big,
the kind of thing you carry in your pocket
just for luck.
But they know nothing of richness
of real treasure
unless they know my Penny.
My Penny is worth a million bucks.
She is the kind one whose eyes I can see twinkle
even over the phone as I call, yet again, to say,
“So, are you bored without me?”
She is the one who makes me tea
when I arrive in a fluster
of post-transit with kids business
and sit my big belly down
in the office sofa seat.
She is the one who knows,
(6 babies later)
everything about me,
and with her magic spinning wheel
tells me when the latest Eastland will arrive.
She is the one who gives the kids stickers—
their favourite part—
besides getting to push the Doppler button
and hearing the new babies heartbeat,
and certainly reason enough
for them to request a new sibling
every year or two…
So my beautiful, wonderful Penny
know how much you are loved
and that you will always be
part of the birth story of all my children,
and more than that,
ever a part of our family.
If you promise to come
and have tea with us at our house
we will even give you a sticker!
Garden Fairies
“How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers.” ― Mother Teresa
Just East Of Crazy Land 