Carry Me

You carry me above the waters
lest I drown in my sorrows

And it is safe
to let my heart break
because it falls
into your hands

And though it feels
shattered and broken
yet your love
my heart can heal

So carry me
above the waters
and make my heart
arise anew

Mama’s Waiting to Hold You

Soon the stillness will be over
my night vigils will be broken by tiny cries
tiny eyes and tiny fingers
a little sweet mouth seeking comfort

A snuggle of a precious person
I’m holding for the first moment
of forever

Until then
you’ve wished to spend this time with me
your child
in silence and contemplation

to help me remember the depths within
buried by the business of day

Carry me the way I’m carrying her
because I need you just as much

Help me see in the fiery heartburn
and endless nighttime trips to the bathroom
the forge of your love

shaping me by these vigils of prayer
for the great work you have for me

entrusting me with another soul
a little person to love forever

Bless her abundantly
this little one squirming in my belly
and through her
bless the world

Bumbling Towards You

How often I need to visit you, Lord
seeking you throughout the day
as a bee seeks flowers
constantly searching for sweetness

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Again and again
I alight in little pools of beauty
drinking deeply to refresh my soul
and sustain my flight

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If I failed to do so
out of busyness
I would be as a bee
too distracted to visit flowers
and would end up a dry shell
on the parched summer pavement

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Draw me to you, Lord
with your beauteous colours
your enticing fragrance
your delicate invitation
like an open flower
waiting for a kiss

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Remind me that with you
hot summer days and hard work
turn into liquid golden honey
and in all things and every day
keep me bumbling towards you

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First Summer Raspberries

Tonight the baby went to bed early enough that I could catch some evening sun and try the first raspberries of the summer from the garden. There is something about eating fresh berries that turns me into a little kid again, so I just stand there grinning and filling my mouth with goodness.

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My husband can tell you that any walk in the forest with me during berry season is ridiculously slow, because I’m so delighted with each huckleberry, thimbleberry or salmonberry bush. I have to pluck all the tiny red gems and pop them in my mouth. It reminds me of making huckleberry pie on graham cracker crust with my brothers growing up.

I still recall vividly a scene from an old movie— The Return To Oz—where Dorothy discovers she is back in Oz when she finds a ‘lunchbox tree.’ The tree has what looks like giant strawberries growing on it, but they are actually lunchboxes that open to reveal a sandwich, cookies and juice. I remember thinking, “What in the world could be better?”

Eating food off the bush symbolizes nature’s bounty in a special way for me, because it recalls the Edenic reality of goodness and beauty being all around us, ripe for the picking. It helps me remember that in this big universe, I’m a just little child who will be provided for, whose Father God is very good.

Many good things are waiting for all of us. Do we have the childlike vision of wonder to see them, and the simplicity to accept them with gratitude?

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Wash Me New

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I’ve come to sit in the quiet church
to let it all go

The statues and flowers keep me silent company
while upstairs a group of children
sings joyfully to a guitar

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There is a giant baptismal font
still filled with holy water from Easter
I want to climb in it and float on my back
staring at the ceiling
like I used to stare at the sky
floating in the lake when I was young

Until all the bitter colours are washed out of me
the blaring colours of anger, fear, resentment, regret…
bleeding out until I am pure white
glowing
new

Empty of everything
but an overwhelming gratitude
for the present moment

Remembering I am a creature
a recipient of endless gifts
my life–each day–a miracle

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I don’t need to grip the ropes so tightly
to control the sails
I don’t have to see everything
from the crow’s nest
and constantly consult the map

The real map is in bigger hands
better hands
wiser hands

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I don’t need to understand everything

I can lean back
close my eyes and smile
as the salt breeze mixes with my salty tears

Let the sound of the waves
lull me into a place of peace

so I can see this voyage
as a mysterious adventure
and not a problem to be solved
a gift and not a burden

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First Steps into Spring

This March was marked by various first steps: the first steps of my husband’s grandmother Doris Doherty into heaven, and the first steps of our little boy here on earth. He waited until his Daddy got back home from the funeral in Ontario before he walked, and then took his first four steps towards us shortly after he got back from the airport.

So here are some pictures of spring flowers in honour of the kind, warm, playful grandmother we are missing, with her wonderful sense of humour and warm British accent; though her voice may fade from our ears, we will ever hear it in our hearts.

Sometimes, the sight of spring flowers and the sound of birds singing again after the silence of winter is enough to make me believe in heaven. That there is a beauty which endures beyond death, and that the bonds of love are truly indestructible.

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Even a few brave bees are foraging among the flowers for nectar on this chilly spring day, and bringing their findings back home. May all who are struggling and suffering be as strong as these hopeful bees, who never give up believing that as long as they keep working together, they can make sweetness out of their struggle.

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