“The Wounded Healer” by Henri Nouwen 

  

Shortly after I lost my baby Josephine in labour nearly 6 months ago, a friend lent me this book by Henri Nouwen: “The Wounded Healer: In our woundedness, we can become a source of life for others.”  The idea expressed in the subtitle caught my attention, because it spoke a truth that I had recently discovered myself…that my pain and brokenness had become a means of connecting deeply with others, and of helping them release their own pain. 

This process is not one of having all the right consoling things to say, or of having found a magic solution to blot out pain. Emotional healing is not about making pain disappear, but about learning how to live with it while maintaining a sense of hope and joy. 

There is a huge difference here, because one involves living in the reality of our broken world, with a hope that transcends it, while the other involves hoping in a world that doesn’t exist in the present…one without any suffering. 

Acceptance or denial, peace or rebellion. Choices we make every day when we live in pain. 

The world may tell us that life is not worth living when there is deep pain, and that the supposed nothingness of death would be better. But I can honestly say that there are things pain does which are very beautiful: 

Pain breaks down barriers between people and connects hearts. 

Pain makes beauty stand out in sharp relief, and helps one appreciate what was previously taken for granted. 

Pain burns away the fear of being authentically yourself, because the petty concern of what others might think ceases to matter as much. 

Pain rips open your heart to let the world in; no longer do you judge those who are struggling. 

Pain makes you rely on God, because your spirit needs support to bear this weight gracefully. Meaning with God’s grace. With prayer. 

Connection. Gratitude. Authenticity. Compassion. Interior growth. These are all pretty big gifts. They make life more beautiful and worth living. 

When you truly suffer, your heart hurts deeply, but loves more deeply as well. And this love, coming from a humble place of pain mingled with hope, can be a source of life for others. 

  

Weapons

I love the gutsy optimism of this poem about fighting darkness with the weapons of love and truth. I’m inspired by the idea that hope springs eternal and that forgiveness is strength because it frees us from the chains of hatred that ensnare us. We can fight a battle of integrity and love, remaining true to ourselves and refusing to stoop down to the level of those who would bring us down.

In fact I pretty much like all of the poems on this blog, from inspiring ones about the beauty of creation, to happy ones about his sweet wife, and powerful poems about the struggle of faith, so I thought I’d share it with you tonight. Nicodemas writes great First Nations micro fiction as well, and is great at responding to comments if you leave one. Enjoy!

The “when” of it

I love the short, insightful poems by Dennis Ference. He is a lovely peaceful man who reminds me a lot of my Dad! Hope you enjoy this one, and have fun exploring his blog if you’re searching for some new uplifting poems to read.
Cheers,
Anna

den169's avatarMerging Traffic

only now

how sadly misguided we are who stubbornly rummage
for the heat and spark of Life solely
in memories and anticipations,
for you and I can love
only now
forgive
only now
shed tears
only now
feel compassion
only now
laugh
only now
rejoice
only now
be grateful
only now
surrender
only now
live and celebrate
the All of it
only now

© 2015 Dennis Ference

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Do we treat our husbands as well as our friends?

Sometimes we wives and moms can be having a hard day, and are perhaps very tired or stressed, but when a friend calls we perk up and feel much better. And when a friend is in need emotionally, we find the time and strength to be present to them, offering a listening ear, encouraging words, and understanding heart…We are able to give the best of ourselves to friends, even when we are drained.

We wouldn’t imagine saying, “I’ve had a rough day, so I’m going to blast a heap of bitterness into the first available ear, even if it’s my dear friend.” Or “I think I’ll sting my friend with repeated sarcasm if she attempts to make me feel better. What does she know?”

Why then, do we women often do exactly that with our husband, as if our every struggle was his personal fault? As if he should cower under our mood, and be culpable if he doesn’t read our mind and fan us with palm branches before we mention being hot…

We’ve been taught to be very self-righteous as women, and very suspicious of men, but I ask you, is this prickly attitude making us happy? Does it not foster division in our marriages, and dissatisfaction in ourselves?

I grew up with three brothers, whom I love a lot, so I have a hard time buying the “evil men” stereotype. Personally I think we human beings are all fairly imperfect, but still kind of wonderful.

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Ultimately we are the ones who have to make ourselves happy, who with the help of grace have to choose happiness despite life’s challenges. Blaming someone else for all our troubles only traps us in the cage of our own weakness. We wouldn’t blame all our challenges on our friends, so why would we choose (even subconsciously) to blame them on our husbands, who are supposed to be our best friends?

The role of a best friend is to love us no matter what and to walk with us through life, always by our side. It isn’t to carry us so we don’t even have to use our legs. It’s to support us in happy and sad times, but not to provide a godlike dose of happiness and protection from all sadness. You can be vulnerable and honest with your husband without expecting him to be able to fix everything. Don’t deify your spouse. Accept and love him as a human being who is worthy of your respect and tenderness, even if he’s not a superhero. Remember inside there is still a little boy who needs your love.

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Perhaps you and I are never grumpy or sarcastic with our spouses (ahem!), but for those mortals who are, I think this is good advice: try to treat your husband with the same kindness and understanding you do your friends. And of course all this advice applies to men as well, in how lovingly they should treat their wives.

This year let’s take responsibility for our happiness by trying to be our best selves, not just with our friends, but with our spouse. In doing so we will become better people, and give him a chance to do the same. And it is in this striving to become the best version of ourselves that we will find peace and happiness.

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Better by Candlelight

Christmas is coming
The lights are bright
The houses are starting to sparkle

The kids and I
and Grandpa, too
trek across town
to see a Christmas concert
expecting choral beauty
and serene joy

It is….

LOUDBRIGHTGLORIOUS!!!!
FLASHYSPECTACULARWOW!!!
HOLLYWOODBROADWAYLOUD!!!
HALLELUJAHHALLELUJAHHALLELUJAH!!!

…..help!

We leave with ears ringing
and heads spinning
wowed but not wondered
overwhelmed but a little empty

Right now
with my heart a little shaky
I need a gentler kind of joy

The sparkle of a star
the flicker of a candle
that quiet choral music
that seems to be
the breath of angels

In that quiet stable
with the smell of hay
and the donkey
steaming warm air
through his soft nose
I’m more at peace

Away from all the hullabaloo
I reach for that little baby’s hand
the one who is vulnerable
who shares my weakness
who will know tears
but never lose hope

Away from all the bright lights
I’m more ok
Right now
my heart sees better
by candlelight

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The Girl on Fire Finally Gets Burned

The coals of the firey Hunger Games trilogy are still smouldering on my iPad, several weeks after finishing it. Reading it was an intense experience, and one that made me think a lot. One of the most fascinating aspects was witnessing the slow, sad, mental breakdown of the heroin of the story, Katniss Everdeen. A passionate, intense teenager in a violent, unjust world, she struggles to fight against the repression of her state, and becomes increasingly embroiled in the plans of the rebels to take over from the sadistic President Snow.

For a long time Katniss is increasingly consumed by anger. It takes getting literally burned for her to realize it. That the fire of hatred burns not only the one hated, but the one who hates.

That being willing to do anything to destroy your enemy in fact destroys yourself, because it transforms you into them. That the greatest danger is perhaps not death after all, but losing yourself–what is essential to being you, your best part. It’s like Peeta said before the Hunger Games in book 1, that he wanted to die himself, instead of being corrupted by the Games. He didn’t want to be turned into a killer, a monster, someone willing to do whatever it took to achieve their goal, like the career tributes. At first Katniss can’t understand this way of thinking. All she can focus on is survival, for the sake of her little sister, and unwell mother, for whom she feels responsible.

Later she realizes to her horror, that the deeper into war you get, the more the line between ally and enemy blurs, the more the distinction between right and wrong fades, the more the shining idea of peace gets stained by so many splatters of blood.

In the end, so often betrayed and haunted by so many dead, Katniss trusts no one, and the only peace she can imagine is to join them in the grave, but this idea too gives her nightmares. I’m no expert, but I’m sure she has a bad case of PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder).

Violence consumes her and spits her out broken; she is used as a symbol of rebellion, the Mockingjay, thinking that she is furthering the cause of freedom, when in fact she is helping the advancement if a new dictator, just as willing to kill as the last. When her usefulness expires, and her influence becomes a threat, she becomes expendable, and measures are taken.

The Hunger Games Trilogy beings and ends tragically: with the death of children. The abuse of precious and innocent human life as political bait, as hostages, as gory entertainment, as propaganda, as sacrifice for power, as a means to an end. The end is ugly.

But the books do not end in despair, but return to that small, precious hope of a quiet family life, faithful love, and children, made wiser by our experiences, with a future better than our past.

It reminds me of the return to the Shire at the end of The Lord of the Rings, after all the war and trauma of the journey to destroy the one ring, the ring of power, that nearly consumed Frodo. This ring likely would have killed or totally destroyed him without the faithful friendship of Samwise Gamgee, the kind, generous and brave friend who never abandoned him. After it is all done, and they have succeeded, the most beautiful thing is to see Sam return home to Rosie, to love, a hearth and home, to have a family. This is what makes all the sacrifice and heroism worth it.

Sam and Peeta both show us that what really matters, in worlds that can be so twisted and complex, is to remain true to our essential core, which is unswerving fidelity to those we love, and the realization that love is stronger than death, and is the force which has far more power to save our world than violence.

So what does this mean for us?

That when we are angry, we should seek peace.
That when we are disgusted by someone’s actions, we should still treat them with respect because they are a human being, and we, too, are capable of making many mistakes.
That when we are despised or mocked, we should not spit back nasty words, because returning evil for evil is a sure way to let our enemies win, by turning us into the kind of people whose actions were hurting us in the first place.
That we should never put people in simplistic boxes of good or evil, especially if labelling them the latter dehumanizes them. When we stop treating other people like human beings, we become monsters.

There is an expression worth pondering, that we must drown evil in an abundance of good. Often the best way to make the world a brighter place, instead of lashing out against the darkness, is to let the light of goodness shine by doing many simple, kind, and generous things, and trusting that all these little actions do add up to something important. If we teach this to our children, they can bear little torches of hope out into the world, and touch many lives for the better.

I don’t mean that we shouldn’t fight against injustice, and rally around the oppressed, but when we are in any kind of struggle, let’s remember what the rebels in the Hunger Games forgot: that not only the cause matters, but the way of fighting it, because fighting for a just cause by evil means poisons the whole thing.

And if the idea of violence against children rightly horrifies us, let’s remember that all people, of every background, were once children, too.

Children of Peace or Prosperity?

Last night I read a moving address given by Pope Francis to the people of the tiny Italian island of Lampedusa, where immigrants fleeing from the coast of Africa had come to seek refuge. He came there to visit them and express his solidarity and sorrow for the suffering of those families who died on ships on the way, having been repelled before they could apply for asylum. He called their plight a thorn in his heart.

Pope Francis spoke passionately of the “globalization of indifference,” a phrase which caught my attention. While we have so much awareness of world events because of the media, we often lack the very human ability to weep for our brothers and sisters around the world, who find themselves in tragic circumstances. We are satisfied to say, “Oh, too bad!” and turn off the news. If we can’t weep with the suffering, and mourn the dead, how can we work up the energy to assist those in need?

But how? Many of us feel a world away and very small, incapable of changing anything. But is it true? We are actually all members of the same human family, and sharers of the same world, with all its diversity. In the movie version of “The Hobbit” Gandalf says he thinks that the wizard Sauroman is mistaken in his belief that only force and might can overcome great evil. Gandalf proposes instead that many small and simple acts of goodness and love are what hold evil at bay.

As a mother, I of course think about how this applies to my children. Am I teaching them to be people of peace, who care about the needs of others, who know how to sacrifice for love, who stand up for the oppressed? Or am I allowing them to stay in a bubble of prosperity, satisfied with satisfying themselves, enclosed in material goods and unable to empathize with those unluckier? I hope and pray that I can help them grow into people who find joy in serving others, who know how to weep with the suffering, and rejoice with the rejoicing.

I think this all starts at home, in a very simple way, by teaching children to love their siblings. Sometimes kids can sound like a den of wildcats preparing for battle, but you have to keep encouraging them to think of others and appreciate the moments when that inner goodness shines through. I remember being very impressed once when my oldest daughter, then almost three, thought of her baby sister before herself. They were in the double stroller on the bus when the bus lurched and sent the stroller smashing sideways into the bus wall. My toddler’s finger was caught between and hurt, but her first words were, “Is my sister ok?” I knew then that something was going right.

I’m sure many of my fellow moms have great practical suggestions on how to teach children to be people of peace, and I encourage you to share them. I would like to share more of them as well, but that will have to wait for another post, as my delicious mommy time will likely soon expire. I’ll finish up with one last thought: the peace of the world is not merely in the hands of the rich and powerful, but in the hands and hearts of everyone. It has been said that charity consists more in understanding than in giving, so it is something possible for people of every economic backround. If we teach kids to be understanding and compassionate to others, even those very different from themselves, we can hope that when in positions of influence as adults, they will make decisions not merely based on self-interest. Since every person influences those around them for better or worse, raising every child well matters. If we mothers and fathers succeed, we will have greatly enriched the world, and given peace a fighting chance.