- You find staring at your newborn while he sleeps more amusing and fulfilling than watching a movie.
- Your living room slow-dance partner is about 25-30 years younger than you and your main goal is getting him to sleep.
- Alone time means three minutes to yourself in the bathroom, before a tiny person comes to bang on the door, file a complaint, or shove their latest drawing under the door to show you because it just can’t wait!
- You worry Nike will sue you for copyright infringement if you use the word ‘just’ one more time (“Just eat your food!” “Just go to bed!” “Just get off the table!” “Just clean your room!” “Just stop hitting your sister!”).
- You get told more stories and given more artwork than you know what to do with, and you find it charming to be portrayed as a vegetable if drawn so by your 4 year old.
- You feel like bursting into song when you get in the shower, “Halellujah!” but are likely to be interrupted by emergencies…”Mom, Mom! Guess what?” “What? I can’t hear you! I’m in the shower!” “We did made a ….and it’s really…..in the living room!” “What! You made what in the living room?” “A ….” Turn off shower. Shiver. “What?” “We made a really cool fort in the living room! Come see!” “Oh! Please try to not interrupt unless it’s an emergency. I’ll see it after my shower.” Turn on shower. Sigh. Sing some more.
- Your idea of getting dolled up is putting in face cream and lip gloss.
- Your favourite new shoes are your sheepskin slippers.
- You’ve used rainbow loom elastics as hairties.
- You are the source of all wisdom for your kids, and have to answer all life’s deepest questions, but have the short term memory of a goldfish…”Now where did I leave my keys??”
Tag: laughter
Paradox
If you want to know true joy,
look to the one who has experienced deep sadness.
If you want to find strength,
look to the one who has been broken.
If you want to know peace,
look to the one who has wrestled with despair.
If you want to know laughter,
look to the one who has wept.
If you want to know loyalty,
look to the one who has been abandoned.
If you want to be truly human,
look to God.
A Recipe for Trancendental Chocolate Bars
I’ve been reading some philosophy lately, so my head is filled with funny terms…what better to do with them when I can’t sleep than turn them into a delicious recipe?
🍫🍫🍫Trancendental Chocolate Bars🍫🍫🍫
- Pour 2 cups existential questioning into an empty bowl.
- Add 1/2 cup human knowledge and 3/4 cup yearning for the infinite.
- Mix with 3 tsp humility and a dash of wonder.
- Add liberal amounts of certain proof for intelligent design (ie chocolate).
- Stir until you are satisfied with its finite existence.
- Bake at 350 until it exudes its essence.
- Cut in pieces small enough to fit the human mind and enjoy with coffee and conversation about the transcendence of being.
- Forgive me for being silly at 2 am! 😋
Maternal Teleflamesis
My children seem to suffer from maternal teleflamesis…every time I get on the phone they burst into flame!
Tummy-Flutes and Air-Sickness
3 year old: “Mama, what does tummy-flute mean?”
Me: “A what?”
5 year old: “She means tummy flu.”
Me: “Oh, to have a sick stomach and need to throw up.”
3 year old: “I won’t throw up cause I only have a little tummy-flute.”
Me: “Oh, that’s good.”
3 year old: “Sorry, I have a coughing tummy; don’t worry. And I keep coughing and the air doesn’t get my cough because the air doesn’t want my cough but I don’t want to be sick, except the air wants to be sick but it doesn’t want to have the tummy flu.”
Me: “Ooooh….”
Boys are like puppies…
Puppies need lots and lots of affection.
Puppies love to nap. 
Puppies like to play with other animals.
Puppies love treats and getting messy.
Puppies enjoy being taken for walks.
Puppies like to play on the floor.
Puppies delight in popping out of funny places like boxes. 
Puppies love big sticks.
If any of you are puppy owners, you’ll surely agree they are sweet, loyal and a little sticky, and make you feel very, very loved!
Aliens Among Us…
Summer days bring their share of funny sunny day surprises…like when your small children go outside to paint on paper, and reappear as aliens!
Eat your heart out, Moulder and Scully! There are truly aliens among us…needless to say, the bath water was certainly not blue that night!
Quotes from the Peanut Gallery #2
Multitasking:
Me: Can you cut this paper dolly out for your sister?
6 yr old: Sure. I have time to do lots of things, but not time to do lots of things at the same time.
Weather Report:
4yr old: “Mommy the clouds turned purple. The clouds turned purple because they are angry that it’s not raining anymore.”
Royal Duties:
While training her 4 year old sister to be a polite princess, my 7 year old explained why the 3 year old couldn’t join in and be a queen.
“Because queens are really old, and it’s boring…actually it’s a lot of work. You have rule a village, and to sit on a bench all day and read newspapers…and eat chocolate all day until you get sick.”
“What if it tasted like coffee chocolate?” piped up the 4 year old. “That would be awful.”
“I wanna be a princess and dance!” moaned the distraught toddler.
Mouth Mumbles:
3 year old: “He has an ice cream lipstash…”
Recipe For Laughter
Tonight my toddler came up with his own recipe. Impressive, right?
“What a little chef!” exclaims Grandma over the internet. “Un petit gourmét!” coos a French food connoisseur who stumbled unwittingly into Crazy Land.
But wait! Before your hearts swell with pride at the culinary prowress of my two year old, read what it is he made. A very simple recipe, with 4 steps:
1. Pick up baby bowl of fruit salad.
2. Dump into little bowl of alphagetties.
3. Add a cup of berry punch.
4. Laugh. Repeat in reverse order…ish. Laugh more.
Of course his four big sisters loved the performance, which only aggravated the èncores….
Sigh….well, at least he likes to help with the dishes!
The Children Have Officially Eaten My Brain!
So being a busy, scatterbrained mom I tend to be running a little behind, and it’s quite a feat to actually get anywhere on time. But today I set a new record…I can’t say for being on time really…but for extreme earliness.
I was determined, whatever it took, to make it to my dear friend Penny’s retirement dinner. She has been the secretary at my midwifery clinic for all my 6 children, so she has known me since the earliest days of my motherhood. She has always been there for me with her attentive warmth and kindness. I really wanted to honour her today by coming with a hug, a gift, and a poem.
So I scrambled to find babysitting, called up and down my phone list, and finally found help in my kind upstairs neighbours. After getting the kids ready for bed and settled in with a movie, I threw on a dress, necklace and heels and ran out the door. Literally.
On the sky train I wrote Penny’s poem: “My Penny is Worth a Million Bucks,” grinning that I got it done just on time…then I scooted as fast as my heels would carry me, scrambling down shortcuts and asking directions from friendly folks outside their house.
By the time I got to the pub I was over an hour late…but better late, than never, right? Inside it was very quiet and none of the staff had heard of Penny’s retirement dinner. At all. Oh, dear….
Beginning to worry I checked the online invitation. I’m sure it was on Wednesday, I’m sure! Oh! Oh! It was next Wednesday. Which is also next month! I was one week early, and not even in the right month. A world’s biggest idiot sign glowed brightly above my head as I slunk quietly out the door.
That’s it! The children have officially eaten my brain. What was left of it. No wonder they’re hungry all the time! Anyway, kicking myself and laughing I took a selfie to prove my ridiculousness:
Then, like a good mom with free time on her hands, I went a shopped a sale at Gymboree, and brought home some summer clothes for the kids. And then like a good blogger I worked on this post on the bus ride home. Now I just have to work on being a good invitation reader…
Well, I hope this made Katie from Australia laugh, because she writes the best “fail” posts, and this day was sure a big belly flop! But if it made you laugh than it was a worthy misadventure…
(See Katie’s crazy stories if days gone wrong at https://laptopontheironingboard.wordpress.com/category/fail-2/)
And at least I got Penny’s poem done…in my traveling studio….ehem, sky train….which is actaully a much less distracting atmosphere than my house.
Tomorrow, after I put my silly self with my sore feet to bed, I’ll share Penny’s poem with you all.
Goodnight, sleep well, and may your brain be with you!
(I hear it’s nice…)
Just East Of Crazy Land 