Tag: Love

The Perfect Parent Lives in Timbuktu (and is likely a Sasquatch!)

On By Anna EastlandIn Family Life, Marriage, motherhoodLeave a comment

I haven’t met the perfect parent. It’s not me. It’s likely not you either.
But that’s ok. Children are born of love, not perfection.

Still, sometimes we wonder if there is a scientific formula for being the perfect parent, a special combination of elements that will help us get it just right.

Our society encourages this; we are told we must have the right economic, educational, medical, emotional, and intellectual circumstances to responsibly have a child. It seems a very dangerous and risky business, and one must be perfectly prepared.

Sometimes people wait their whole lives to be perfectly ready. Baby room painted just so. Millions in the bank. 800 parenting books read. Relationship so stable it makes mountains look wispy and wobbly. Health just so, taking the right 60 vitamins, and doing yoga 10 hours a day.

What happened to something that used to be so natural? A creative overflow of love? Isn’t the sincere love between parents already giving your child a lot, especially in today’s world?

But our fear of being imperfect parents in an imperfect world really paralyzes us so much as a society. We fear traumatizing our kids and are haunted of visions of their future therapist’s couch before they even leave their cradle.

We are told we better consult the experts constantly, because we as “mere parents” (just rabbits really) know nothing. I don’t think all this fear is actually making us better parents, just less confident and optimistic ones.

If we risk having one, we think we shouldn’t have another, because we’re not perfect yet. The funny thing is though, that having another child helps us to grow better, more mature, relaxed and confident, and therefore helps our first child, too. Experience is a good teacher.

So please don’t let fear of your imperfection stop you from loving; that would be a terrible tragedy. None of us had perfect parents, but we’re still glad to be here, in this messy, imperfect, absurdly beautiful world.

While I haven’t met perfect parents, I have met perfect babies.
Actually many of them.
More specifically, ALL of them.
Each baby is perfect.
A perfect gift, a perfect miracle, a perfect parcel of love.
Each one makes the world more beautiful. That means you, too.

Siblings help each other to grow as well, precisely through their imperfection, their foibles and stubborn streaks; experiencing all this children learn, in a context of love, how to get along with, embrace and accept others.

If we are teaching our kids to love, to care for others and help them when they are down, we are doing a lot toward making the world a better place.

My kids can squabble as much as the next ones, but I was happy to see my older girls stepping up and caring for the younger ones this week when they weren’t feeling well. Here’s a picture of my 5 year old reading bedtime stories to her little sister. Without being asked. That made me really happy.

20140227-000434.jpg

So stop worrying about being perfect, unless you want to go live with the Sasquatch, who can maybe give you some pointers.

Personally, I think what you need as a parent is love, commitment, and a willingness to adapt and grow, because as much as parenting will make your children grow, it’ll make you grow more.

Happy trails! And may you be abundantly blessed in love.

20140227-000817.jpg

Yippee: Debt Free

On By Anna EastlandIn Friendship, Marriage6 Comments

This Valentine’s my husband gave me a wonderful, unexpected gift. He paid off my last, our last, student loan. Six substantial loans gone…debt free!

After 4 years of living in a one-bedroom apartment with the kids to save money, 8 years of taking the bus because we couldn’t afford a car, cutting my own hair to save the money, 8 years of handing over every extra cent to pay them off, every tax refund, every little windfall, we finally did it. Paid off a massive amount of student loan debt on one modest income, and now we are free!

It is a wonderful gift. My husband works so hard and sacrifices so much for us. I am truly grateful.

So, you ask, what did you get him for Valentine’s?

Well, a sandwich.

What?!

I tried to make it the yummiest one I could: tomato bocconcini with fresh spinach leaves, homemade olive oil and balsamic dressing, full of basil, oregano and garlic…roasted in the oven, with juicy purple olives on the side…but yes, a sandwich.

And a card I coloured with my three year old:

20140215-011634.jpg

It doesn’t really compare does it? To thousands of dollars? But you know, we each gave our gifts with love, and we’re both happy.

It’s not a competition, and besides, I am happy to be outdone by him. Happy to be forever indebted to him, who has given me so much. I don’t mind needing him.

After watching a sweet romantic comedy called “Just Like Heaven,” I listened to him falling asleep, breathing slowly and holding my hand. Our fingers were squeezed together until I couldn’t tell if the faint “ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum” I felt between my them was my pulse or his.

Being vulnerable and needing each other, each on our own ways, helps us stay close. And isn’t that what Valentine’s is all about?

Birthday Soup

On By Anna EastlandIn Family Life, Friendship, Marriage2 Comments

20140207-193851.jpg

This is my handsome husband. It’s his birthday today, but here are some pictures from when he recently took me out for mine. He’s grinning rather mischievously because he has taken me out to a Malaysian restaurant and has ordered among many yummy things, clam soup. Like in-the-shell-steaming-bucket-of-beach-water-and-assorted-refuse clam soup. For wimpy, picky me.
Ugh.

20140207-194738.jpg

Of course the romantic has to share everything, so no escape for me. “Drink the broth out of the shell,” says my gourmand, “It’s delicious that way.”

20140207-194939.jpg

He gives me a demonstration and beams. I wrinkle my nose, screw up my courage and slurp. Salty….

20140207-195102.jpg

It’s actually not that bad. Except in my head. But then my mouth is in my head, so hard to tell the difference sometimes. The little clams taste like button mushrooms, instead of squishy aliens, so that’s good. Daddy and baby are proud of me.

20140207-195555.jpg

My sweet other half just likes to make sure life stays a bit of an adventure, like on our first big date, when we went for Ethiopian food and ate with our hands.

So have any siblings?

Slurp. Lick. Lick.

A sister, and yourself?

Stuffing spongy injera bread sopping with curries in his mouth.

Three brothers, actually.

Dip. Stuff. Lick.

You get the idea. Delicious, though. Who knew?

Anyway, I love how he likes to try new things, how he gets excited and passionate about stuff, how he has 50 rants I know by heart, how he likes to share everything (except maybe his Starbucks drink), how he’s totally honest but also affectionate and sweet. He’s helped me grow so much, and at the same time, to remain young at heart.

Here’s a little selfie of us from Christmas:

20140207-204156.jpg

So to my husband, a very happy birthday, and to all of you,
I wish you all as much joy and fun in your marriages as I have in mine!

Helping Heroes: 10 Reasons It’s a Good Thing to Accept Help.

On By Anna EastlandIn Family Life, Friendship8 Comments

20140204-123200.jpg

Accepting help is hard to do for many people…it’s something we need to learn in life, or perhaps relearn after losing our childhood ability to reach out and take a helping hand without shame. Often as grown-ups we feel the need to be a superhero and do it all alone, but aren’t the Avengers much better as a team?

If we can see our fellow human beings as cooperators, instead of competitors, we’ll be a lot more willing to offer and accept help. After all, aren’t we all trying to do our little bit to make the world a better place?

20140204-131017.jpg

It can be hard to swallow our pride and ask for assistance, so here’s ten reasons why it’s good to ask for help:

1. You need it. Come on, no one is perfect. Everybody struggles. To pretend otherwise is to pretend to be a robot. People are much more loveable.

20140204-130239.jpg

2. You give others an opportunity to shine. Let someone else be the hero for once. You don’t need to take all the credit. Everyone has special talents, and getting to use them helps people feel useful and important.

20140204-123328.jpg

3. Being vulnerable enough to ask for help allows others to be honest about themselves with you and deepens friendship. It opens the door for them to ask for help or advice, too. You come to know each other better.

20140204-124712.jpg

4. You teach your kids to do the same. Do you want them to tough it out alone when they really need help, or to know how to lean on others in hard times? They will imitate you in this.

20140204-124025.jpg

5. Doing stuff together is way more fun. Whether it’s a big shopping trip, cleaning the garage, trying a new recipe or artistic endeavour, life is more fun when you have someone to share the load and laugh with.

20140204-125137.jpg

6. You allow others to love you. We all show our love in different ways, but many of us show our affection by acts of kindness and generosity. When we say no to these things, we are saying no to love.

20140204-125419.jpg

7. Accepting help enables you to practice gratitude, which makes your life more beautiful and happy. Moreover, knowing how to accept help gracefully is attractive.

20140204-124212.jpg

8. If it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes one to be a good parent or spouse. Think about this. Becoming the best person you can be doesn’t happen in isolation.

20140204-125732.jpg

9. You’re not alone. There are probably ten people who would drop everything to come help you, if you just asked. When we open our hearts to help from others, we receive so much more than we imagined; unexpected goodness keeps coming when we open this door.

20140204-123758.jpg

10. Cause I said so. So there.

20140204-130926.jpg

Now wasn’t that helpful? 😉

On Vulnerability

On By Anna EastlandIn Ponderings6 Comments

Lately I’ve become a little addicted to reading The Hunger Games Trilogy, despite my initial resistance. My husband wanted to watch the first movie one night, and I refused, claiming it was not my kind of movie, and that the idea of violent teenagers in an arena was enough to give me daymares. So he bought the books instead and got totally hooked, reading it tons while he was home sick for a few days. Then my husband, who loves to share, convinced me to read it too, and after this we’ll likely watch all the movies. That’s what I get for not watching one movie! 😉

But I’m glad, and it’s a lot more engrossing than I imagined. Certainly the ideas of media control, surveillance, and propaganda in their harsh society are politically relevant and spookily real at times. But honestly, what’s really grabbing me is the romance. Tortured teenage love triangle, which sounds cheesy but is actually quite beautifully done. I’m only half way through book two, but what interests me so far is the main character Katniss’ inability to authentically respond to love.

She craves the warmth and security of love a lot but fears it more. I think this is because to really open herself up to love would be the ultimate vulnerability. Her survival so far has been based on strength, grit, toughing it out, learning to lock away her emotions and overcome desperation to help her family survive. Her identity is the hunter, the provider, the one who doesn’t care about anyone but her family. The idea of letting her heart out of its cage frightens her, because she couldn’t defend it with violence, as she can her life. Her happiness would be out of her control.

As I said, love is the ultimate vulnerability; the more you love someone, the more their loss can hurt you, and in her precarious world this is a real danger. This is in a way the real tragedy in her world, that the freedom to love is choked by fear. But if we can’t love, are we really alive anyway?

When the baker’s son Peeta is repeatedly kind to her, she is suspicious. His willingness to repeatedly sacrifice himself for her causes confusion and shame; she can’t understand his actions. Only when he is severely wounded, and she can come to the rescue, does she allow herself to feel more. When he is strong, her pride rebels; when he is weak, she yearns to heal him.

It is similar with her best friend and hunting companion Gale; her strong attachment to him only becomes clearly romantic when he is flogged and near death. She only feels comfortable as the saviour, and gets evasive whenever love is expressed between equals. This changeable nature of her heart is extremely frustrating, and in a way, very realistic. After all, she’s a teenager!

Anyway, you can see what I’ve been doing in spare moments when feeding the baby, and what I’ve been obsessing over while doing the dishes. Yup, I’m hooked, and rooting for Peeta, the kind, generous, giving one who lays down his life again and again for Katniss. He reminds me of my husband. The nice guy whose strength lies in self-giving, as opposed to the dark, brooding hunter that is Gale.

But don’t tell me what happens; I’ll be crushed if my little crush is crushed…which given the awful nature of the world of The Hunger Games, is very likely.